The astonishing news that the University of Minnesota lost money on beer sales at TCF Bank Stadium cries out for a solution ("Alcohol, but not profits, flows at U," March 20).
I propose the following four strategies in ascending order of expense and, sadly, of likelihood of adoption by the university.
Hire a fraternity, any fraternity, to sell beer. Maximum profit assured.
Assign a professor in the Carlson School of Management to create a business plan for beer sales.
Hire a consultant from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. If Wisconsinites know anything, it's how to sell beer.
Hire a vice president of beer sales at a salary of around $300,000 who will report directly to university President Eric Kaler.
Then hire three associate vice presidents at salaries of around $200,000 — one for draft beer, one for canned beer, and one for bottled beer.
Finally, hire an assistant vice president of "beer diversity" at a salary of $125,000.
