Learning how to care as parents age

Logically, it's not as if baby boomers couldn't have seen this coming. Except that they're -- heh -- baby boomers, and the conventional wisdom is that caring for aging parents requires them to 1) admit their mortality, and 2) come to grips with the fact that they can't talk to their parents without someone ending up shouting.

Granted, conventional wisdom splashes paint with a pretty broad brush, but Kari Berit finds a degree of generation gap in almost every family when adult children become caregivers to their parents. Berit, who lives in Red Wing, Minn., has worked for years in senior housing communities, and has cared for her own mother and grandfather. She's written a couple of books on the topic and leads workshops nationwide. (Her website is www.UnexpectedCaregiver.com.)

The need for instruction is real, "because kids never have had such old parents," Berit said. In 1900, an American's average life span was 47 years. Parents died when their children still were in their 30s. Now, with the average American living almost 78 years -- and given the nature of averages, many live far longer -- more children are in their 50s, 60s and even 70s, and having to act as parents to their parents.

Berit believes that the generation gap between boomers and their parents is wider than between past generations, and thus the reason for so much of the angst and tension as parents age. If you've never been able to talk easily with your parents, there's no reason that will magically change simply because the dynamics have shifted. Still, she added, "I think there is one last hope, but in order to access that last hope, you have to let go -- or forgive, or whatever word you want to use -- a lot of your past. You have to be willing to not solve the issues that may be bugging you."

The parents before you probably aren't the same parents they were 20 or 40 years ago. "You need to learn how to relate to the person they are today," Berit said. "You've got to take off that child hat and relate to them as adults. It's not about parenting them -- you still are their child -- but you are an adult."

Berit said that for many boomers, one issue simply is the notion that they didn't think this time would ever come, or that it would be so bad, or that their parents would need so much help. "Then they move from denial to getting in way over their heads as caregivers," she said.

"They think, 'Maybe we didn't have a great relationship, but they cared for me, and Dad gave me that loan, so I guess I owe him some care.'

One reason not to go it alone is that you are likely to have your own family to care for and the temptation to neglect them can be huge, Berit said. Better to try to include your family members in the effort, she said, adding that grandchildren can play a crucial role.

In her book, "The Unexpected Caregiver" (Attainment Co., $19), Berit mentions several children's books that address end-of-life issues. "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein, "Old Turtle" by Douglas Wood and "Miss Rumphius" by Barbara Cooney are among several books that may help open a difficult conversation. A grandparent reading to a grandchild may see their situation in a different light, and perhaps find it more comfortable to discuss their mortality first in the context of a story, then later as a reality, Berit said.

The subject of helping parents as they age has many pitfalls: It can cause tensions with siblings, frustration with doctors untrained in aging issues, impatience among baby boomers who may have been able to call the shots in their work lives, and, finally, anger among aging parents who didn't imagine ever feeling so needy and who may spurn assistance.

Berit added that boomers have a chance to avoid a repetition of history by signaling to their own kids that it's OK to have these conversations. "It's OK to say to your son, 'I wonder how I'll act if you have to take the car keys away from me.' We talk about things like this with our friends. But we don't say them to the people we need to have a conversation with."