Q I'm married to a guy with two kids, 8 and 9. I want to know how to "talk" to them when their mom tells them not to say what is going on at home. They aren't even allowed to tell us about events coming up -- such as school trips, pictures or plays. How do I help to ease communication?
A Unfortunately, when you have parents who are polarized with two distinct points of view, information becomes power. Who is passing on the info? The kids -- because they are the ones living in both homes.
Mom gets mad that Dad finds out something she didn't necessarily want him to know, and it's the kids who get in trouble. Pretty soon, they are walking on eggshells, thinking if they say anything from house to house, there will be repercussions. It's an awkward position to put the kids in -- and just plain wrong.
Many believe you should say, "What happens in our house stays here," but that could make the kids feel as if they can't share things about their life at the other parent's home. That's half of their life they can't talk about. Then the children have to weigh whose side they're on -- Mom's or Dad's. Plus, if they are in trouble and need help, being afraid to talk about one parent to the other fuels the child's anxiety.
The key here is to initiate a more open stream of communication between homes. Put the children first. Make it a point to be as transparent as possible so Mom comes to know the rules at your home and is able to make judgments about the information she hears.
Finally, it's not the responsibility of an 8- and 9-year-old to keep the other home apprised of what's going on at school. The parents should be talking to each other on a regular basis, not keeping secrets. Info about school trips, school plays and pictures should be discussed well in advance so that everyone can support the children.
It seems as if it's up to you start the communication ball rolling. Why? Because you wrote us. If Mom or Dad had written us, we would have said the same thing to them.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."
