Gasoline is cheaper than coffee. An ounce of espresso goes for a couple of bucks, right? That's $256 a gallon. It would cost over $3,000 to fill up your car with espresso, which of course no one does, because you hate it when you get that dashboard light that indicates you're low on steamed milk. If you used your grocery-store rewards card it would only be $2,956, but that's still a lot.
C'mon, you say, that's too much money. Just make your coffee at home. I do. That's the problem. Last year I bought a Hamilton Beach machine that made amazing coffee. People would take a sip and say, "I detect notes of melted Tupperware and Valvoline, with a distinct finish of moist rubber." When I took it out of the box it smelled like a fire in a wig factory. It was supposed to use K-cups as well, but I failed to read the instructions. Apparently there was a line that said "CAUTION: UNIT WILL BREAK IF USED."
There was a number to call for questions and complaints, and upon hearing that the appliance stunk, made coffee suitable for marketing under the brand name "Hitler Sweat" AND broke right away, they said they would send a box and I could mail it in for repairs. When the box arrived it contained another coffeemaker, as if I was supposed to use it until the other one was fixed, and then I'd mail back the loaner — oh, never mind. I put it in the closet and got out the old Cuisinart coffeemaker I'd dumped because I wanted to enter the new, exciting, expensive world of K-cups.
The Cuisinart fell ill a month ago. It would turn off in the middle of making a pot. The off-on switch worked, then it didn't. It made this thick, wet gurgle, like someone was trying to flush a pound of Jell-O. I conceded that it was time to start looking for a replacement model. Which brand hasn't disappointed me yet?
Let's check the Amazon reviews:
***** LOVE IT LOVE IT
"I love my new KafeeKing 9000!!! It makes hot coffee I can drink, and when it's empty I add water and grounds and it makes MORE coffee!!! The burner keeps the coffee warm, and if I press my palm on the hot metal, the pain reminds me that I am alive. I really like the attached long, flat rope-type thing with two metal prongs — it plugs right in the wall!! That's what makes the coffee magic happen!!! Would buy again"
Then there's the next review: