It's totally a guy thing

Let's get it out on the table right up front. I am a guy, and not apologetic about it. I'm a person with a paunch, with bristly whiskers that my wife wants shaved (I won't) and a tendency to talk about myself.

A lot. And I can be loud.

But here's the thing: Now and then I listen, too. I catch the ads between innings. I glance at the headlines. I see the handwriting on the wall.

I'm breaking ranks by telling you about this, but my buddies and I are stifling a laugh over the news. We're elbowing each other over the words of experts that make it sound like we've been suffering more than we thought.

We don't read much. But we see the covers of the new books on shelves. "The Decline of Men" by Guy Garcia, "Guyland" by Michael Kimmel, and "Save the Males: Why Men Matter, Why Women Should Care" by Kathleen Parker.

Books about us! About our fumbles in school, in college (for the first time there are more coeds than men enrolled) and even as adults.

According to a recent study, 46 percent of young women had ticked off basic markers of adulthood: leaving home, finishing their education, starting work, marrying and having kids. Only 31 percent of us dudes could say the same.

So, our recent track record of achievement is remarkably lame. But I want you to know that my fellow guys and I are cool with the experts' solutions to our problems. In fact, we're delighted. We are passing the chips, cracking a beer. Here's to experts.

Let's check out a few of their hot-off-the-press ideas:

Guys need extra attention and understanding. Bingo. Right on target. Our sisters and moms and wives seem way too busy with all of their jobs and chores. They bustle around, doing more housework and volunteering than we do, hardly noticing that our blank expressions and belly-up positions on the couch hide truly sensitive natures.

We need even more freedom in school to squirm around and to just be boys. Um, sure. We agree. Though in stricter times we guys learned how to sit at desks, absorb books and pay respectful attention, it was a drag.

Teachers and parents simply expected us to put in the quiet time we needed to learn stuff, and if we didn't, we lost a privilege or two. Didn't they realize how unpleasant this was for us? We guys prefer fishing or kicking a ball or just hanging loose.

Men are being punished by a feminized, girl-focused culture. Couldn't have said it better myself. Why, even though we're fawned over and favored by moms, zip up the ladder at our jobs, get paid more, and trade in tired-seeming wives for trophies, you'd be crazy to think that we're in charge.

And, sure, though our secretaries always remember our birthdays and our daughters have turned into daddy's girls who play guy-style sports, we are feeling the pain. Anyone can tell you.

Trying to civilize us guys is really just an attempt to turn us into women with whiskers. My favorite expert suggestion of all: That sticker that we slap on our trucks -- the one of an angry, urinating boy -- that's our flag, our Guyland coat of arms.

So stop expecting us to behave or clean up our act. It may be kind of weird that we had none of these guy problems back in the day. When we were supposed to be responsible and at least a little bit polite.

But it's a new day.

It'll be way more relaxing for us when we can give up the little socializing and parenting we do and be couch potatoes full time. I'm glad to say we're almost there.

When was the last time you saw us take off our backwards ballcaps indoors, or stand up when someone approached a table? When was the last time you saw us take a front-line stand and say "No, you cannot" to a child?

The age of total guy emancipation is approaching. My buddies and I are flicking channels. We are belching.

We say: Bring it on.

Peter Mandel is an author of books for kids, including the new "Bun, Onion, Burger." He lives in Providence, R.I.