When Miranda Kettlewell gets antsy during her hourlong piano practice, she takes a break to run around the house and roar like a dragon with her mom, Naomi Karstad, chasing behind.
The so-called "dragon time" allows Miranda, 12, to burn some energy so that she can get back to practicing in the living room of her family's St. Paul home.
"It's all about picking your battles," Karstad said. "I have expectations. If something's hard for her, I don't say, 'Oh, you don't have to do that.' I say, 'Let's find a way to solve this problem; I'll help you.'"
The game is in stark contrast to "Tiger Mom" Amy Chua's demands that her daughters sit at the piano for hours on end until they get it right. In her controversial new memoir, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," Chua details other ultra-strict parenting methods, such as no sleepovers, TV or crafts, and she says Western parenting methods are too permissive.
Although Chua has hit a nerve with parents and child-rearing experts -- some say her methods border on abuse -- her book has sparked a dialogue among many parents questioning whether their styles could benefit from more -- or less -- "tiger."
"The fact that she's triggered this conversation is a good thing," said Marti Erickson, founding director of the Children, Youth and Family Consortium at the University of Minnesota. "Parents are either stuck in a state of horror that a parent could push their kids so hard. Others are thinking, 'Oh, boy, we need to wake up, because maybe we're at the other end of the spectrum and not expecting enough of our children.'"
Too often, those low expectations make up the fabric of American parenting, which has family therapist Bill Doherty concerned. He suspects that parents are starting to worry, too, that their easygoing, constant-praise style of parenting isn't preparing their kids to succeed in a global economy.
"We've gone so far down the path of a child-centered family life, almost child-led," said Doherty, a professor in the U's Department of Family and Social Science. "[Chua's] throwing a monkey wrench into the entire consensus about how to raise children. The fact that people are so worked up about it and debating it means that she's touched a nerve of uncertainty."
Child development experts say that a middle-of-the-road parenting style is optimal. Either end of the parenting spectrum -- constant pressure vs. having expectations that are too low -- can be problematic.
For better or worse, the first lesson in parenting is based on how we were raised. But the world has changed. Parenting has changed. So how's a parent to know which style they're using and if they're striking the right balance?
Parenting is most often defined in three categories, ranging from authoritarian to permissive with authoritative in the middle. Authoritarian parents tell their children exactly what to do and rarely show affection. At the opposite end, permissive parents are indulgent, have few rules and are high on praise.
If you're an overly involved parent at either end of the spectrum, your message to your children is the same: "I don't trust you to make good decisions for yourself," said Kelly Finnerty, a Minneapolis marriage and family therapist.
"So many people I see in therapy have been shut down by shaming, punishing parents or gotten themselves into trouble because they lacked structure and guidelines growing up," said Finnerty.
The most effective parenting style, experts say, is a blend of high expectations and high responsiveness to the child. Authoritative parents set clear limits and allow opportunities for choice within those limits. For example, you wouldn't let your child go outside in the winter without boots, but you'd let them choose which pair of boots to wear.
"It doesn't sound like rocket science, but when it comes to applying it on a day-to-day basis, it feels like rocket science," said Erickson. "It takes energy, thoughtfulness and intentionality."
Being prepared is your best line of defense, said Brigid Ryan-Link, a St. Paul mother of three with another on the way.
She relies on the state's Early Childhood Family Education program, which she initially joined to meet other parents. But she has found that hearing different parenting perspectives -- even from the Amy Chuas of the world -- is most valuable.
"I don't want to judge what she or any other parent does. ... We hope that at the end of the day we raise loving, compassionate and respectful kids -- just like she wants to do -- we just do it in a different way," said Ryan-Link.
Aimée Tjader • 612-673-1715
