On the subway a stranger in a suit knowingly eyed my Lehman Brothers ID badge in its Bear Stearns holster. With a look of detached curiosity, he expressed his condolences.
This is not the way I thought my Wall Street career would begin.
During college I was an intern at Bear Stearns. There I toiled at the lowest levels of Wall Street, fetching coffee, moving boxes and filing papers. In my final summer at Bear, I was promoted to intern in the marketing department of the asset-management division. There I worked on some hedge funds that invested in stuff called "mortgage-backed securities."
Several months later the hedge funds went down the tubes, dragging Bear Stearns behind them. After I graduated from college, Lehman Brothers hired me to help settle trades in complex derivatives, the very derivatives that led to the company's demise. I helped resolve trading issues involving tens -- hundreds -- of millions of dollars.
And now? Now from my desk here in the trenches, my colleagues and I watch CNBC reports on the collapse of Wall Street. Through the months we have watched our stock price plummet 99.8 percent, from $65 per share to 15 cents. The news provides grist for the rumor mill. I trade notes with my colleagues here. Though some more senior people have lost their entire life savings, the steady stream of bad news and the uncertainty are also difficult for those of us at the bottom of the Wall Street food chain. It is dizzying.
Most of the time, in the office and out, I feel like I am on display, an object of pity or fascination. Friends and family send frequent expressions of concern and empathy by telephone, e-mail and text message.
Even though I had little -- nothing, actually -- to do with the real-estate losses that led to Lehman's problems, or with the hedge funds that precipitated Bear's demise, the only conclusion I can draw is that I'm a jinx. Prospective employers will take one look at my résumé and call security to escort me out the door, lest my mere presence infect their otherwise-healthy businesses.
Meanwhile I sit at my desk.
