It's the semi-annual Powerball Frenzy, or the Festival of Moloch if you prefer. The jackpot is worth an estimated "half of what you think you'd get if you won," and is guaranteed by the hands of fate to ruin your life if you get it.
Or so we're told. Everyone thinks they'd handle the money well. How hard can it be to not screw up the possession of $250 million dollars? If you're the second or third generation, sure, your screw-up is practically guaranteed, and if you don't waste it all and end up in the gutter with every nerve ending fried by expensive drugs, you'll be despised by your peers for floating through life with effortless elan, your quiet cheerful mood of self-possession all the more irritating for your sense of humility and gratitude. You don't give anyone money, that's the problem. You refer them to your Foundation, which handles these things on a basis of need. That's why everyone hates you. Just because it's your money doesn't mean it shouldn't be their money, too.
To console yourself in advance, Here are 15 cautionary tales of people who had their lives ruined by the lottery. Number one is ol' Jack Whittaker, who took just four years to run through $315 million. There's a word for that in psychological circles: a frackin' idiot.
Time calls these stories "tragic," but really, no. Here's an example taken from Bill Post's cautionary tale:
Poor impulse control, in other words. Post blew through $315 million in three months, possibly by sitting home watching "Brewster's Millions" over and over while setting fire to great bales of cash, Joker-style. Then there's the Lotto Lout, an English fellow who sums up everything that's just marvelous and outre and non-conformist bout today's parasitic class: he squandered $15.5 on hookers and blow, then settled back to a nice life of welfare-collection. "The party has ended and it's back to reality," Carroll told the Daily Mail in 2010. "I haven't got two pennies to rub together and that's the way I like it. I find it easier to live off £42 dole than a million." Which comes as a grand consolation to the taxpayers, I'm sure. Poor dear; those riches were so hard on him
It's not the money that makes people unhappy. It's just a tool.
It's simple. When you win, do the following: purchase a new phone for yourself and every member of your family, with pay-as-you-go plans. Disconnect all other phones. Go downtown, find the most expensive office building, find the law firm that has the most floors, go up to the front desk and say "I just won the Powerball. I need a lawyer." Even if that's not their thing, they'll help, and because it's a good firm they'll be interested in leaching off you for years instead of cheating you up front.
Find a pay phone. Call all your friends and close relations who need to know these things, tell them you're fine, and you'll get back in touch.Tell them that you will be setting up a trusts for their children that will cover education or small-business start-up costs, as well as a one-time disbursement for the adults. Pack; go to Hawaii; arrange a 100-day world cruise. That should give you time to figure out the rest.
