I get more texts from the parking meters than I get from my daughter these days. To be fair, she's busy at college, and the parking meter is just doing its job, warning me that time's almost up. It's handy and convenient. But then the parking meter offered free steaks, and that changed everything.
Perhaps you got the message, as well: "Hello, you've been awarded two $30 gift certificates! Here's the list of websites where they can be redeemed." There was a company that shipped frozen chopped-up cow chunks, and I thought that would be good. I clicked. And was quickly chastened.
Naive, trusting soul that I am, I actually thought I would get $30 worth of steaks. No. It was $30 off your first order of $150 or more, and I suspect this offer is handed out rather promiscuously. On many of these sites you can enter the coupon code "wieofjoshfdkjf" or any other cat-on-the-keyboard character strings, and it'll give you the discount.
There were other offers, like a "wine club," which was tempting — I mean, where does one find that stuff these days — and dog vitamins. Sixty bucks for a bottle of pup pills. I didn't pay that much for the actual dog.
Before, we had a businesslike arrangement: I would use the app to park, and it would charge me a quarter. We shook hands and parted cordially. But now it's like your restaurant server trying to sell you Tupperware as you pay the bill. This is outside of the boundaries of our defined relationship, and if they're going to do that, well, let me tell you what I want:
Frequent Parker Minutes. I want a points program. Delta has SkyMiles; you should have CurbHours. After I get enough points, I want upgrades, like extended time periods, discounts on high-value zones. Maybe the kiosks on every block extrude a nice hot towel so I can refresh myself after a long stay. Maybe you build some little lounges where I can pause between car and office and have some coffee and eat a cookie. Maybe when I reach Diamond Platinum Plutonium level, there's someone to open my door and hand-wash my car while I'm away.
To which the Parking App company might say: "Fine. You want to go there? Then we're going to start offering our own credit card, every time you park. It will give you 3X points when you use the card to park, and 2X points when you pay at ramps. Note: Conditions apply. Points only doubled during non-peak hours, defined as 2:17 a.m. to 4:39 a.m. Points cannot be transferred. Points may be revoked for any reason. Points do not actually exist in any form except the whim of the issuer, who is capricious and vengeful. Applying for the card requires looking at your credit report, which somehow reduces your score, like looking at a nice cake replaces the frosting with mud."
It'll come to that, soon. But it'll still be better than running to the car every two hours to pump in more quarters. They never called to tell you your time was almost up. Simpler times, indeed! They usually just sent a postcard.
