Every year we write about the State Fair as if its pleasures and peculiarities are known to all. Rather presumptuous, no?
People have moved to our glorious state since last year, and this carnival of carbs and cow-gawking might be a complete mystery. They see the ads, note the endless lines of cars queuing for a spot on someone's lawn, see people walking out with stuffed animals the size of sumo wrestlers and wonder what the heck is going on. What is this thing? For all you folks new to Minnesota, we're here to explain. This is your State Fair Primer.
Q. Is attendance mandatory?
A. Yes. A copy of your ticket must be filed with your state income tax return. (It's deductible.) If you received a free ticket, this must be reported as income.
Q. Is it automatically funny to add "on a stick" after everything? What am I missing?
A. Yes, it is funny. For example: Patrick Henry's stirring quote of "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death on a Stick" becomes vastly amusing with that simple addition, doesn't it? (Death on a Stick is available at Han's Haus of Morbid Globs, located by the barns.) Year after year, it just gets funnier, and people keenly anticipate the new "stick" catch-phrases that will appear at the next fair. This year's innovations include the Central Corridor Completion Schedule on a Stick, available at the transportation exhibit, and the Vaguely Worded Political Agenda on a Stick, available at all politicians' booths.
The only example of serious use was "legislator on a stick," a reference to the impaling of the entire Senate in 1907 on Machinery Hill.
Q. Hey, why do they call it Machinery Hill? It's flat as can be.