Q: My ex really gets on my nerves. Halloween is supposed to be my night with the kids, but she wants them at her house to trick-or-treat, and I'm thinking about letting them go just because I don't want to deal with her. Does that make me a terrible father?
A: No, it doesn't make you a terrible father, but it does make you a questionable co-parent. And, unfortunately, there are thousands out there who feel exactly the way you do.
You don't have to be buddies with your ex, but you do have to learn to cordially interact with each other if the kids are going back and forth between homes — which it sounds like they are doing in your case.
In order to help you "put the kids first" (ex-etiquette for parents Rule No. 1), I'd like to remind you of a very important distinction — it's not "your time" with the kids, nor is it Mom's time with the kids. It's your kids' time with you. They are the ones who must share their time.
So, this is how you decide about where the kids should trick-or-treat: Ask yourself, where would they rather be? I did not say to ask the kids. That would put them right in the middle. But you know your children. If you put your self-interests aside, you know the answer. Where will they have the most fun?
Halloween is a night your children trick-or-treat with friends — and their parents, of course — but the real fun is hanging with friends and eating too much sugar. So, if most of their friends live near you, making them trick-or-treat in another neighborhood they aren't used to just because Mom and Dad can't get over themselves is selfish, to say the least. Pick the neighborhood you know the children would prefer and let them have their Halloween with the parent who lives in that neighborhood overseeing the festivities.
Ultimately, this might be incentive to take a look at how you and Mom are co-parenting. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.
