Funeral etiquette: Why some people behave badly

When it comes to facing the death of a loved one, there is no right way to react. People cope in different ways. Some stay strong in the midst of chaos. Others shut down and go within.

But when it comes to attending the funeral, there definitely are wrong ways to react. Funerals are intended to let mourners give and get support, but it's hard to find support from people who behave badly at the services.

Ken Druck, author of "Healing Your Life After the Loss of a Loved One," said Americans have created a culture that is "grief illiterate."

"We are taught that there's a pill for every pain, for every problem or a diversion for every moment of emptiness," said Druck, whose daughter died in 1996 when she was 21. "If there's one thing that evokes a feeling of helplessness, of all the things in life, it's death. It's much easier to turn away from, rather than face, life's most difficult challenges."

But understanding why people behave badly can help. Here is some insight from experts on common faux pas.

No-shows: Not everyone who stays home is callous and insensitive. Druck said some no-shows are simply unable to face death. "Attending a funeral, for some, is too painful," he said.

David Feldman agreed. An associate professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California and co-author of "Supersurvivors: The Surprising Link Between Suffering and Success," he said that unresolved conflicts can contribute to their absence.

Grief groupies: These are people who overrepresent the relationship with the deceased as more intimate and more loving than it was, Druck said. "It's the rubbernecking version of grief and loss. These are manipulative narcissists who are shameless and who will distort the reality of the situation."

His advice? Let it go. "If that's the story they need to tell themselves and in some way it redeems them in their minds of what they did or didn't do, they can go ahead," he said. "There's no real benefit to confronting someone like this. Some conflicts give you no return on your investments."

Complicated grievers: Feldman described these people as ones for whom the grief process is either more prolonged or more difficult than average due to emotional trauma. It might be best to encourage them to see a professional counselor.

"They're not only feeling the loss of their loved one, but also are feeling frightened, scared for themselves," Feldman said. "For those people, funerals are less emotionally satisfying and may cause problems in the grief process."

Part-timers: Druck said not to take it personally if someone doesn't attend all of the planned gatherings.