Ask Amy: Financial strains spread to family

Dear Amy: My son married a wonderful woman several years ago. They have a 1-year-old child. I genuinely like her side of the family and have a good relationship with her mother, "Marianne."

My issue is with Marianne's financial irresponsibility, which is an apparent generational ingrained pattern.

She has a good career and makes very good money at her job. However, she has very little to show for it, with no savings or home ownership.

There are many examples of her being impulsive and wasteful. As a result, she regularly needs and asks for help with her expenses.

This puts a burden on my son and his wife and creates friction. They just purchased their first home. They make enough to pay the bills — but just barely.

I so badly want to say something when I hear about her circumstances and how they helped with her most recent "issue," but I don't. I'd like to tell them to stop doing this, but I don't. Is there anything I CAN do?

Amy says: The only thing you can — and should — do is to clearly state your own boundaries regarding finances and to outline your ability or willingness to help your son and his wife.

Even if this style of money mismanagement and financial irresponsibility isn't an ingrained generational pattern, it does become a generational problem when bailouts create financial hardship for the giver.

State your intentions to your son and his wife very clearly: "I'm sorry you are in this position. This creates a lot of financial pressure for you. I hope you understand that I don't want to be put in the position to bail you out. I don't want to be ungenerous or unkind, but I am not willing or able to help finance her life. I hope you two can protect your own financial future."

Here's a book you might recommend to your son and his wife: "Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations With Your Parents About Their Finances," by Cameron Huddleston (2019, Wiley).

Dear Amy: I've been married for three years. Last year, my husband and I were given DNA testing kits as gifts. My husband participated in the process. I have decided not to.

I was adopted as a newborn and was raised in a great family. I have never known anything about my biological family, and I am fine with that.

Amy says: When it comes to your body, your DNA and your family history, my view is that you alone own the right to make decisions.

DNA disclosures have offered many fascinating experiences and new relationships. However, there are myriad issues that arise with DNA collection, and for people who were adopted, these issues are multiplied many-fold.

You don't say why your husband is so keen for you to have this done (is he wondering about the racial identity of children you two might have?), but if his pushing for this is pushing you away, you two should take this issue to a professional counselor.

In my opinion, your husband is not respecting a fundamental right for you to make decisions about your own body.