Q I have a problem with my fiancé's ex. They have a child together. She calls him just to talk about their 6-year-old son and then starts chit-chatting about stuff that has nothing to do with their son. She also expects my fiancé to be at all their son's sports games, even though she has moved out of town and has a boyfriend and a baby of her own.
How can I approach this subject with my fiancé? I wish she would leave us alone and give us custody of the boy.
A It sounds as if you think she's wrong. We aren't sure she is.
The chatting about stuff that has nothing to do with their son? That boundary must be established by your fiancé. But the rest of it -- expecting him to be at their son's games, for example, is not far-fetched.
Her having another boyfriend and another child doesn't change your boyfriend's responsibility to their child. It's certainly unlikely that the mother of his child will walk away. Rarely do mothers think, "Oh, I have another baby with someone else; you can just have this one."
It sounds as if the boy has a mother and father who are attentive and love him, plus a brother or sister and other adults who love him, as well. What makes this complicated is that you might not have been prepared to share the man you love with a past that requires present responsibilities.
We understand your desire to start over without the interference of the ex. But it rarely happens when kids are involved. It might be time to consider a change of attitude. Begin by asking your fiancé how you can help make the child's transition from house to house easier for all.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."
