Q: What is considered to be appropriate behavior 15 years after a divorce in respect to the ex and overnight stays? There is no physical relations between them. They were married for 17 years and have two college-age children. The mother and children live out of state; however, whenever the mother or children decide to come to town, I, the girlfriend of four years and referred to as "fiancée," am expected to step aside while the mother stays in my house. One of the children takes this view as well and pushes me aside when she stays. This doesn't seem right to me. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Seriously? You're telling me that every time his ex-wife comes into town, you are expected to move out? That's is very questionable ex-etiquette. I mean over-the-top questionable. Red flag questionable.
This is what happens when appropriate boundaries are not set before entering a new relationship. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You set boundaries, and they interact with you based on the boundaries you have set.
It's not the ex-wife or adult child's actions that are in question; it's yours and your fiancé's. He hasn't set appropriate boundaries in 15 years, and you haven't set appropriate boundaries in the last four.
Obviously, this is not the way you want it to stay, so it's time to have that talk with your fiancé.
No matter how long you live with this man, his ex-wife may not see your relationship is as serious as their marriage. And, if he hasn't set her straight in the time that you have been together, he may feel the same way.
The only way his ex will stop the behavior you find offensive is if you and your fiancé set your own personal boundaries, and he communicates those boundaries to his ex-wife.
Beware: If you've set no clear boundaries in the past, setting them now might upset the apple cart. But it sounds as if that may be what this relationship needs.
