Ex-etiquette: Pregnancy upends family dynamics

Q: My husband's two kids go back and forth between their mother's and our homes. At first she was very cooperative. We were even sort of friends, but for some reason she recently has become short-tempered, horrible actually, and I hesitate to compare notes like I should.

I'm eight months pregnant and I don't need the stress. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: I hope you will trust me to read between the lines — once again — but what I suspect is happening is one of those psychological sticky points that few want to openly admit.

I think the fact that you are having a child soon has changed the pecking order in your relationship. You are now officially peers.

Many former wives have confided that the one thing they had that set them apart from their ex's current partner was that she was not the mother of his children. You being pregnant, your husband's ex no longer holds that exclusive title, and within that context she might be having trouble adjusting.

You have to look at the history, but if her attitude changed about the time your pregnancy began to show, there's your answer. And, the more the kids come home talking about how excited they are that they are going to have a new brother or sister, or that the new baby will be the ultimate bond between their family members, the more irked about the situation the ex may become.

Not that she wants anything to really change; she probably likes you if you were friendly in the past. It's just something she has to get used to. If you put yourself in her shoes — good ex-etiquette for parents Rule 7 — her children's excitement about something so far removed from her can be disconcerting.

I hold out hope that time will heal this — especially because you once were cordial, which points to the fact that she actively attempts to co-parent in the best interest of the kids. I encourage you to initiate a tactful conversation that discusses how she sees your child fitting in her children's lives. Her support and willingness to include your child in her children's activities will greatly contribute to an easy transition for everyone.

And, another important consideration: Make sure she knows you respect her as the existing children's mother and that her importance as their mother will not be diminished by the addition to your family. Sounds crazy? When the kids go back and forth, if there's a big event at one house, the other house is affected. How you handle those big events determines how well adjusted the kids are. That's good ex-etiquette.