Q: We pay child support and all medical/dental bills for my husband's kids, even though his ex is supposed to pay half. She says she can't afford it. So she and my husband made a deal that she would pay just the co-pays when she takes the kids to the doctor or dentist. But now we are getting notifications that co-pays are not being paid, and the doctors' offices are coming after us.
She has a part-time job while the kids are in school, and I don't believe that she can't afford co-pays. Isn't there a limit to enabling her dependency on my husband? Plus, when we ask for a little extra time with the kids, she makes it very difficult. I want to take a stand. She needs to do her part. Am I wrong? What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Technically, of course she should pay her share. But if she doesn't have the money, she doesn't have the money. A part-time job might provide only a portion of what is needed. And in this day and age, it's not surprising that she's low on funds.
Has your husband talked to her about this particular situation? If the answer is yes and she still can't afford even co-pays, it might be time to put your animosity aside for the kids' sake.
But it sounds like you feel she is taking advantage of your husband. And that is an indicator that you might need to stand back and reevaluate your stance.
I will tell you something I have learned: The more generous you can be with your partner's kids, the more grateful and loving your partner will be — especially if it appears that their ex is not holding up their end of the bargain.
If you follow this column, you know about the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette. Rule No. 7 is "Put yourself in the other's shoes." In this case, "the other" is your husband. He's got his ex dictating how much time he can spend with his kids, and he has his wife dictating what's fair to give his kids.
Imagine being under the same circumstances, and your partner takes you aside and says, "I love you and I can see how stressed you are. What can we do to make your children's life better?"
