Q: I've been married for a little less than a year to a man who has a son from a previous marriage. "David" is 7 years old, and my husband and his ex share custody. We see David every weekend, from Friday after school to Tuesday night after dinner. I take care of him most of the time when he's at our home, and we have a very close relationship.
Last week, I went with my husband when he dropped off David at his mother's house. I've never met her. My husband walked up to the door with his son while I waited in the car. I felt very uncomfortable. Would it have been too aggressive if I got out of the car to meet her? Would it have been more appropriate if my husband introduced me? What's good ex-etiquette?
A: What would have been the best ex-etiquette would have been for your husband to have introduced you to his child's mother when the two of you decided on a future together.
That way you could have openly expressed your desire to support both parents in their efforts to make this child's life as stress-free as possible — and set the stage for working together in the future.
As it is, you got married without meeting the child's mother. Did your husband even tell her that you were getting married? Did you include David in the wedding plans? As far as I can tell, no groundwork was laid for future communication. I am not surprised you feel uncomfortable.
If anyone understands how difficult it is to converse with your partner's ex or your ex's new partner, I do. For years I dreaded talking to my bonuskid's mother. But we learned to compare notes out of necessity. To ensure the health and safety of the children in our care, we had to work together.
If someone told us we should cooperate with each other, hopefully we would have come to our senses much sooner.
So, I am telling you, and mom and dad: It's time to work together for the sake of this child. The setup you have now asks him to check his allegiance to mom or you each time he goes back and forth.
