Q: The kids' father and I broke up only three months ago. This is the first holiday we will be spending in different homes and we are all feeling the stress. Got any tips to get us through this tough time?
A: Children become even more anxious when they perceive their parents are angry, floundering and disorganized. Getting organized will ensure that your kids feel safe and secure and they will be more able to accept the inevitable changes that come when parents go their separate ways.
There are some other things divorced parents can do that will help ease their children's transition from house to house during the holidays. Notice I didn't say "suggestions for parents to cope with the holidays." It should be your goal to create an environment where your children can flourish; therefore, you have to make the necessary changes. Your children's ability to cope is a result of the positive changes you make.
Here are some tips to help:
• Have reasonable expectations. Don't stress about "the way it used to be." Let your children know the holiday will now be different, but different doesn't have to mean "bad."
• Coordinate efforts with the other parent well in advance. Know exactly what time your child will leave (or when you will pick them up) and plan for it — bags packed at the door rather than scrambling around at the last minute helps to calm anxious children.
• Don't ruin your children's holiday by undermining the other parent's good intentions. Coordinate gift giving. If you can't agree upon gifts, follow the rules of good ex-etiquette for parents and "look for the compromise."
• Do not call your child every five minutes. Allow him to settle in at his other parent's home so they can enjoy their time together.
