Q I bought a cellphone for my oldest son, and I pay the bill. When my kids go to their dad's, he takes away the phone and controls how often the kids can call me. The kids are supposed to have "unlimited and unrestricted phone access" to each parent. My ex tells my son that I don't pay for the phone; he does because he pays child support. My son gets indignant when he comes home and I try to ground him by taking the phone away. What can I do?
A You and dad have lost sight of what's really important -- your children -- and are putting them in the middle. You're forcing them to take sides and check their allegiance every time they leave each home.
There are many good reasons why kids should have cellphones, but it sounds like this one was purchased with the express purpose of talking to the kids when they are not with you. That might not have been done as a way to improve communication with the children as much as it is a way to avoid dealing with their other parent.
That's when you have kids sneaking into the back bedroom to call mom or dad. You just want to touch base, but dad sees it as an invasion of his privacy, so he starts to control its use when the kids are with him, which infuriates you.
Your court order probably does say, "unlimited and unrestricted phone access," but most parents and children find that one or two calls a day is enough. Decide with your ex the time that the noncustodial parent should call and stick by it. When the phone call comes through, answer it and let the child have privacy.
Using your kid as a pawn is bad. Both of you need to knock it off.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."
