Ex-Etiquette : Is her ex manipulative or simply thoughtful?

Q: I've heard you suggest that the ex and the ex's new partner get to know each other when the kids go back and forth and I would like to offer you caution when giving this advice. My ex and his new wife reached out by asking me to dinner one night. Then we met for coffee a few weeks later. We developed a comfortable albeit somewhat awkward coexistence, and then he dropped the bombshell. He wanted me to watch our child while he was at work or if they wanted to go out for a date night. He just sat there and waited for me to say something when he asked. So, I warn all parents — all that kind interaction may be a mask for a manipulative ex who just doesn't want to pay for day care. Some absolutely don't get good ex-etiquette.

A: Everything is in the way you look at it, that's why therapists often suggest you reframe a situation, or look at it another way to make it more palatable and easier to accept. In your case, by reframing the situation, you'll see your ex is practicing exemplary ex-etiquette — because looking at it another way the following is true:

1. He is your child's father.

2. Your ex's wife lives with your child's father and your son interacts with her on a regular basis.

3. Both your ex and his wife have a huge impact on your child.

4. Getting to know anyone who has a huge impact on your child helps to anticipate problems and lays the groundwork for problem solving.

5. Supplying day care ensures your child is safe with someone he knows and loves.

Some parents actually demand that the other parent ask them to supply day care before looking for another source. This is called "first right of refusal" and it's built into quite a few parenting plans. It sounds like you're so skeptical of your ex's motives that you've lost sight of what's important — your child.

By asking you to supply day care, your ex is following all 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents. He's putting the child first (rule No. 1). He's asking for help (rule No. 2). Hopefully he's not bad-mouthing you (rule No. 3). He's acknowledging that the parents make the rules, not the bonus parents (No. 4). He's not being spiteful or holding grudges (Nos. 5 and 6). He's using empathy when problem-solving (No. 7) by putting himself in his child's place and anticipating that he'd rather be with his mom than with a babysitter. He's also probably thinking you would rather have the child with you than with a babysitter. He's being honest and straightforward (No. 8). He's respecting your turf (No. 9) by asking first. And, finally, he's looking for a compromise (No. 10) by suggesting you supply day care and waiting for your suggestion (he just sat there). That's your opportunity to make a counter proposal. Personally, I see you're in an optimum co-parenting situation. All this is great ex-etiquette. Congratulations.