Eric Ringham: Into the wilderness, so long as it's wireless

Welcome to ItascaStatePark.com's wireless Internet service. You've got hail! Please seek shelter and log in again later.

(Pop-up ad shows a man in old-fashioned dress. Text: "Jacob Brower kept Itasca State Park from being logged OUT. Now you can be part of the Itasca story by logging IN! Experience the peace and solitude of Minnesota's first state park while keeping in touch with everything you came here to get away from.")

Welcome to ItascaStatePark.com. Download free wildlife ringtones here. Current weather conditions are 77 degrees F with cloudy skies. For our seven-day forecast, click here.

Wireless Internet service is now available in select regions of Itasca State Park. To avoid potential confusion with firefighters, we discourage use of the Wi-Fi term "hotspots" in favor of the more descriptive "free Internet reception, e-mail boards and laptop locations," or FIREBALLs. To locate your FIREBALL, simply log on to ItascaStatePark.com with the username "smore" and the password "crisp."

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• I'm a nut for tall trees and natural beauty. Let's start with an audio slide show of Preacher's Grove.

• I'd like the e-mail address of another camper. My family has gone for a walk or something and I need someone to talk to.

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If attacked by a bear at Itasca State Park, my best defense is to:

• Lie still and bleed quietly.

• Log on to ItascaStatePark.com and download the Growling Bear Wallpaper (click here), hitting the REFRESH key as long as I have the strength.

• Frighten bear by screaming as if in horrible pain and fear (not recommended).

• Sign me up for ItascaStatePark.com's RSS sunset feed so I can enjoy each day's spectacular sunset from the comfort of my tent.

• I want to give up my campsite and get into historic Douglas Lodge upon the earliest available vacancy.

• Forget vacancies, I want to get out of this campground right now.

• I'm hungry. It's late, but the food pack is out there, hanging from a tree. Just a package of double-stuffs, that's all I need, and I'll hoist that pack right back up.

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• No ... I don't need the sheriff. The bears are friendly -- NO! I'm sorry, no, I meant to say there are no bears, everything is fine! That bear growl you heard ... was just my Growling Bear Wallpaper! There, did you hear that? I just hit REFRESH. REFRESH. REFRESH.

• I have chosen to go into the wild. Don't bother looking for me. Please burn my money and donate my laptop to ItascaStatePark.com -- because it helps people like me keep in touch with nature, and it helps nature keep in touch with people like me.