All fights are not created equal, says Adele Faber, co-author of "Siblings Without Rivalry." She tells a story of a friend whose children were chasing each other through the house -- one wielding a kitchen knife and the other toting a hot iron. Break up that fight.Otherwise: "There's so much to be gained from fighting," Faber said. "They're learning to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise, differentiate between rough and too rough and, sometimes, just having fun pushing and wrestling each other, which they need. How much wrestling do you want to do with them?"
The trick is to determine whether your assistance will help or hinder. Start with a question.
"'I hear screaming,'" Faber suggested. "'Do you two need help, or can you work it out yourselves?'"
If they request help, or if fighting escalates, intercede objectively: "'You two sound really mad at each other. I want to hear what happened -- one at a time,'" Faber suggested. "Then listen to each one and acknowledge what they said."
Then put the onus back where it belongs: "'You know what? I have confidence that you two smarty-pants can put your heads together and come up with a solution that's fair to you [point to one] and to you [point to the other], and I'm going to leave you to it. Let me know what you come up with.'"
This might sound long-winded, but Faber said to bear this in mind: "You're teaching them how to live with other human beings. Whatever we do in our little microcosm of our families is how our kids go out and live in the world."
CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Kids, start collectingStart a collection this summer, gathering anything that appeals to you, from bumper stickers to bottle caps. (Of course, check with your parents first.)
