Casinos are berserk adult playgrounds where time seems suspended, social class is leveled (against the house, at least), and smoking is celebrated rather than stigmatized. For those of us looking for a temporary escape from Minnesota winter drudgery, casinos can also make for interesting dining destinations. You can either embrace your good gaming fortunes with first-rate surf 'n' turf, or find all-you-can-eat comfort if you're less than lucky in games of chance.

We waded through acres of lightning-grabbing Zeuses, howling Arctic wolves and dancing Brazilian beauties at Minnesota's biggest casinos -- Grand Casino Hinckley, Treasure Island and Mystic Lake -- to identify the best buffet bets and other grub suitable for any gambling scenario.

But first, a few tips for those uninitiated in casino culture:

Play On, Playa?

Consider signing up for the casino's players club card, especially if you plan to gamble and/or possibly return in the future. Mystic Lake's club offers a flat 5 percent discount at all of its dining locations, and all casinos allow you to rack up points based on your play for food comps and deals. Be prepared, however, to receive all manner of promotional offers in the mail, designed to lure you back with shiny kitchen appliances and Montgomery Gentry concerts, basically for the rest of your life.

Man vs. Buffet

Prices, offerings and themes (i.e. international, seafood, prime rib) change daily, so inquire within.

Prepare to be semi-saturated in secondhand smoke. Although there are nonsmoking areas of the casino and within the restaurants, there really is no way to avoid it entirely. So you just need to make peace with it and perhaps even romanticize it, à la Tom Waits or "Mad Men."

Transportation

There are free buses to Mystic Lake and Treasure Island from many metro locations. Treasure Island offers a $3 coupon to riders for use at any of the food vendors. Getting to Hinckley requires spending some quality time with your favorite jamz on the long and not-at-all-winding Interstate 35.

Twenty-five minutes from downtown Minneapolis, Mystic Lake is the closest casino to the Twin Cities. It is also a "dry" casino -- no alcohol is served or allowed on the property. At first we thought the dry policy would make the place seem as fun as a giant AA meeting, but the chance to gamble at maximum mental capacity is ultimately to your advantage. Mystic is bright, clean and modern, with tribal-influenced decor including vivid reds, stained-glass sconces and a cozy hearth-centric lobby where you can sit with your laptop and not-gamble in peace.

Mystic's lunch buffet ($9.95 weekdays from 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.) is curvaceous and topped with a winding mural depicting Midwestern plains, bison, soaring eagles and other symbols of nature's bounty. Apropos of the holidays, cute gingerbread houses and glazed bread sculptures were on display between the multifarious buffet offerings (accompanied by cautionary signs that they were not to be eaten -- Prohibition yet again!). Fortunately, lots of tasty items were available in limitless quantities.

If ... after three hours of Double Double Bonus video poker, you do not achieve the sequential royal flush necessary to win the hot red coupe tantalizingly revolving above you, consider investing instead in the luxury of a steak dinner at the newly rebranded steakhouse.

There, you'll be greeted with elegant environs, fine service and a football-like half-loaf of warm pumpernickel-rye bread with raisins and walnuts so freaking good that you'll want to tuck it into bed alongside you. The steakhouse offers a variety of faux-drinks, including a mojito with spearmint, fine cane sugar and limes ($2.95) and Sutter Home "Fre" (nonalcoholic) chardonnay and merlot ($2.95 a glass, $12.95 a bottle). Was there a "Fre" wine placebo effect, you ask? No.

Platters of king crab legs and broiled shrimp whizzed beguilingly by before we were served the lovely Maryland crab cakes ($9.95). Three small cake barrels of chunky crabmeat and deftly seasoned filling were perched on small lemon slices, topped with minced red pepper and Italian parsley, and interspersed with a Cajun remoulade. Next up was a perfectly tender medium-rare filet mignon steak ($18.95 for 6 ounces) with fresh-crisp steamed asparagus and a lasagna-like slab of golden brown cheesy potatoes that really should have been called "hell-ya gratin."

If ... you are in need of sustenance after an all-night Mountain Dew- and Pall Mall-fueled blackjack session, then try the Northwoods Breakfast Porridge ($6.29). Be seated under umbrellas in this faux-outdoor atrium, circumscribed by rocks and foliage, and prepare for some belly magic. Steel-cut oats, Red Lake wild rice, fresh blueberries, cherries, craisins, toasted hazelnuts and slivered almonds are served piping hot with cream, brown sugar and maple syrup. It is the perfect good-morning prelude to appreciating some of the cultural artifacts on display -- like the Water Woman, with her golden pot minding the waterfall, or the stuffed buffalo.

If ... you break even after a rough-and-tumble bout of "cosmic bingo" (basically, a bingo rave!) then consider soothing your addled soul with some Vietnamese pho with beef, meatballs and scallions ($6.95). Metro-ites who are spoiled in the pho department might find this one lacking the complexity of others, but I bet that even Anthony Bourdain would opt for "pho" over "no-pho" every damn time. Or -- try the cheapest thrill in the house: a "slot dog" ($1). From about 1 p.m. on, select Mystic employees push around little hot dog carts and offer a perfectly respectable frank with condiments that you may enjoy from the comfort of your slot-machine chair. You don't have to be a winner to enjoy this wiener.

On weekends, ravenous families line up to fill their plates with piles of crisp bacon, waffles with maple syrup, and crispy fried chicken with honey from Grand Casino's legendary, sweeping, affordable brunch buffet ($10.99, 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Sat. and Sun.).

Best bets: actual mixed greens in the salad section (as opposed to just iceberg or spinach); silky tomato basil soup with sweet bursts of tomato fruit; fresh fruits with vanilla yogurt dipping sauce; Alton Brown-perfect pot stickers with Asian sauces in the "Oriental" section; broasted chicken, tender hand-carved turkey with creamy horsey and cranberry sauces; fried cabbage; mashed potatoes and gravy; fried chicken with honey; fluffy-buttery wild rice pilaf; rich, smoky, BBQ baked beans; molten chocolate pudding cake; and lush bread pudding with whiskey sauce.

If ... you have cleaned house in poker thanks to your naturally stoic face and distracting cleavage, sashay into the oaky enclave known as Winds. Tuck away in a semicircular booth and nibble a half-loaf of tender wild rice bread with honey butter from ornate floral plates. While doing so, consider the kind of sophisticated, multi-talented high rollers a place such as this would attract. Then peruse the extensive wine list and squeal with glee when you stumble upon Mike Ditka's Kick Ass Red Wine ($78 a bottle). Ditka! The Kick Ass red is classy: a dry, blended red with blackberry-peppery bite and vanilla depth that provides the perfect accompaniment to the barely gamey, pot-roasty oomph of the braised buffalo ribs ($22). These ribs are fall-off-the-bone tender, braised in red wine mushroom stock, and served with your choice of accompaniments.

If ... you have achieved an especially fruitful bonus round full of diamonds and Persians on the Kitty Glitter slots and you are my mom, take some time off to indulge in your ultimate culinary craving by paying a visit to the Grand Grill Americana for a pretty platter of Sweet & Sour Chicken ($8.99) -- a parsley-dusted mound of steamed jasmine rice surrounded by a moat of crispy, sweet-sauce-glazed chicken nuggets and rustic-cut jewels of red onion, carrot and peppers. Well played, Emily Kluegel.

If ... you are drowning in a pile of unlucky pulltab refuse of your own making at the Silver Sevens Lounge, and even the bodacious cover band Cherry Gun can't console you, find joy in a black cherry rum ice cream cone from the adjacent Cherries Grill ($1.75), or a slice of the widely praised, thin-crusted, gooey-cheesed deluxe pizza ($2.75).

Although the Island doesn't have a Mike Ditka steakhouse like the others, it does have the circular Parlay Lounge bar, which features monthly drink specials, daily happy hours and awesomely named cover bands on Fridays and Saturdays such as Steve Millar, Lost Highway, Hitchville, Power Play and (yes!) Cherry Gun.

Treasure Island's buffet is meant to be reminiscent of some kind of colonial Caribbean outpost/marketplace bedecked with chests, vases, fake fruits, old-timey compasses and pretend big-game fishing stats. The weekend brunch buffet ($13.75) runs from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday and Sunday.

Shout outs to: Peel 'n' eat shrimp! Although not huge, and faintly ammonia-scented, they are shrimp and they are all-you-can-eat, served with cocktail and tartar sauces. Also: cheesy baked chicken, velvety beer cheese soup with a hoppy tang, lutefisk (if you're into that kind of thing), cheese blintzes with blueberry sauce, mini-heart-shaped waffles, fry bread, country-fried steak with beef gravy, and a naughty-good chocolate cake slathered in caramel sauce and topped with English toffee candies and pecans.

If ... you enjoy theme parties and Renaissance festivals, then you will want to do everything in your power to heighten the illusion that you are in an actual tropical paradise. Currents is Treasure Island's Embers-esque casual sit-down restaurant, and there is absolutely nothing tropical about it. However, here you can order the Hawaiian Chicken Salad (half $6.99; full $10.99) and experience the devastating genius of warm, herby chicken breast juxtaposed with smooth, cool banana dressing. The iceberg lettuce and breadstick are not nearly as exciting, but who cares with fresh fruit and that 'effingly-good dressing?

If ... an angry mob has chased you off the blackjack table for continuing to randomly and obnoxiously "double down!" while pointing downward in an Elaine-from-"Seinfeld"-inspired move, then you may need to find yourself a safe location to sober up. Skulk your way into Treasure Island's new Prime Thyme deli and order a Philly cheese steak with onions and peppers and provolone (half $6.60; whole $7.60). It's served with cream cheese on fresh bread, along with your choice of fixin's. It is also the perfect spot for pirates like you to wait for the "Island Is Calling Bus" back to the mainland.