Golfer Danny Willett’s brother dominated the news out of the Ryder Cup Wednesday with his colorful attack on American fans, whom he described as “pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hot dog so they can scream ‘Baba Booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.”
That’s tough talk from a guy named P.J., albeit wonderful writing. The sports world quickly rose up to condemn the Brit for his unsportsmanlike online rip on the eve of the biggest showcase for European and American golf, and his brother apologized as if P.J. Willett had hacked U.S. voter registration systems.
Golf Channel commentators spent much of Wednesday night denouncing the screed and mulling whether Danny Willett, this year’s Masters champion, could possibly recover in time to swing a golf club this weekend at Chaska’s Hazeltine National.
A bit over the top? Yes, of course. In this social media-obsessed era, overreaction is almost as predictable as the insult that precedes it. Just ask the GOP presidential candidate, whose campaign slogan even got a mention in Willet’s admonition to the European team:
“They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make-America-Great-Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin,” Willet wrote. “They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.”
How will the American team react to this insult? We have some advice:
They need to smash those fish-and-chip-binging Brexiters with their bad teeth and Ian Poulter pants, along with their European Union buddies and their wine-swilling, song-singing, Socialist followers who are making it impossible to drive on 169.
They need to mess up Rory McIlroy’s Nike-labeled curls and have Tiger Woods chase Sergio Garcia in a golf cart. They need to step on Justin Rose’s sunglasses and force Martin Kaymer to admit that Angela Merkel really enjoyed her time with George W. Bush. And, for the first time since 2008, they need to win the Ryder Cup and send a photo of the celebration to P.J. Willett with a special message from all of his new U.S. fans, with love.