Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown sends us the UNVARNISHED TRUTH according to him, we clean it up to avoid trouble, and you still laugh. Let's try it again, shall we? Clarence:
---------------- The 2011 season has been pretty frustrating for Twins' fans. Many players have been: A) injured B) worthless, or C) both. The defense has been bad, and the hitting has been worse. Our weather has been horrible. The NBA and NHL playoffs are set to ramble on for 2 more months, and we don't have any local teams to preoccupy us. Beating Cleveland this weekend was promising, but fans are -- understandably -- still grumpy. Last week RandBall provided a handful of pessimistic facts about your 2011 Twins. While these facts are certainly disappointing, perhaps all is not lost. Let's sprint into the roaring 4-alarm house-fire that is the 2011 Minnesota Twins and see if we can salvage any optimistic facts for the 2011 season: Fact #1: Detroit and Chicago are the only competition within the division. Cleveland and Kansas City are currently at the top of the AL Central, but they simply do not have the horses for the long haul. The Indian's weaknesses were exposed over the weekend and the Royals are at least 2 years away. Fact #2: Jason Kubel's scraggly beard and awesomeness are the real-life inspiration for Keith Stone. True story. Fact #3: The Twins are only 2.5 games behind Detroit, and 1 game ahead of Chicago. The Twins have stunk, but the Tigers and White Sox have stunk almost as much, if not more. Fact #4: Jim Hoey is electric. He is fearless, his split-finger is nasty and he has quickly established himself as my favorite new Twin. Jim Hoey only smokes with his left hand because his right hand is always busy holding a cold beer, punching jerks in the face and/or gently soothing your mother1. Fact #5: The Twins play Detroit and Chicago 36 times this season. The REAL jockeying for position within the division has yet to begin. Whoever wins most of these games probably wins the division. The AL Central is weak, and the Twins have plenty of time to take advantage. Fact #6: Kyle Gibson has been terrific in AAA. Admittedly it's a small sample size, but last week Kyle Gibson was within 3-outs of a (truncated) no-hitter. He won't be promoted any earlier than late June (to avoid Super-2 status), but at that time the Twins will still have 26 of those 36 Detroit/Chicago games remaining. He could be the second-half sparkplug that makes the difference in the division. Fact #7: Eric Hacker is single-handedly trying to resurrect Terry Mulholland's awesome quasi-mullet from 2004 (aka The Mulhollet). 1Probable, but not confirmed. * Country & Western Song of the Week: In honor of the NHL's impending return to Winnipeg, today's C&WSW is No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by Winnipeg's own The Guess Who. * Outstate Bar of the Week: Albert Lea Moose Lodge #1703, Albert Lea, Minnesota. What is the bar famous for? Fraternal service organizations may sound antiquated--like something out of the Flintstones--but in outstate Minnesota they often serve as social hubs and highly effective community service associations. The Albert Lea Moose Lodge is particularly supportive of charitable causes protecting the young and elderly. More importantly, they also pour the stiffest drink in town. Can I watch the game there? Absolutely. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? By all means. Do they have a website? They're on Facebook. I'm as surprised as you. What bar games are available? All of them. Anything else I should know? My uncle Jerry will be at the end of the bar, but don't say hello. He's a biker and Vietnam Vet and he won't like you. * Context-Free Diagram of the Week: As requested… (Proprietor note: And as usual, no offense to any parties who might otherwise be offended, including base runners and third base coaches for the Twins):
Your thoughts on optimistic Twins facts, The Guess Who, stiff drinks, and El' Chupacabra are welcome in the comments below.
