C.J.'s eight-point strategy for Elin, if (sigh) if she chooses to stay

Elin Nordegren needs a blueprint if she's even thinking about staying with her unscrupulous husband of five years, Tiger Woods.

As a result of the golden golfer tarnishing his image by getting it caught in his zipper, there are a variety of matters that require consideration before Nordegren agrees to continue this marriage -- at any price.

Nordegren can't expect to hear any of my recommendations from sports writers, many of whom were well aware of Woods' global hoochie patrol. Sports writers don't care about Nordegren. Sports writers are too busy protecting Woods' image as a great guy and even greater golfer. They are also terrified of exclusion from post-tournament news conference by Woods and the golfing organizations if they don't play up the positive.

Although Woods richly deserves to be kicked to the curb, I'm going to look at this from the other side. Nordegren probably still loves Tiger even though, as the NY Post so adroitly put it, this cat's admitted he's actually a cheetah. Maybe she'll stay for the kids. (By the way, everybody saying media should lay off this story for the sake of the kids is full of the stuff in the 10-month-old's diaper. These children are too young to read newspapers and watch TV newscasts unsupervised. While I empathize with Nordegren, I think she should know what so many on the PGA tour do about her husband's social life.)

Perhaps, Nordegren may want to forgive Woods for his multiple misgressions (that's my word for transgressions involving other women) because she feels Tiger deserves ONE chance to prove he's not a dog, that he actually has the values he thinks he does. Normally, I don't tolerate cheating under any circumstances, but I don't have children with Tiger Woods, who apparently is no ordinary guy. Aside from his obvious attributes, Woods is apparently quite a guy in other ways based on the joke he told an interviewer for GQ magazine in April 1997; that's when Tiger demonstrated how a black guy supposedly removes a condom. And we certainly hope Woods was wearing many manly galoshes while playing away from home.

Were I Nordegren, this is how I would proceed:

1: SEE YOUR OBGYN

I'd see a note from Woods' doctor, too, indicating a clean bill of health before conjugal activities resumed sometime in late 2010.

2: STOP THE BLEEDING

One of Woods' lawyers should examine all of Tiger's cell phone records from the last four years. I'm sure the phone records contain numbers of misgressions Woods has forgotten. Offer settlements to stop the drip, drip, drip of these mistresses and one-night-stands from rearing their empty heads. Collect these women's cell phones -- the settlement will cover cost of a new plan -- so these bimbos can't keep showing off text and voice messages from Woods. It's shocking that Woods was not bright enough to realize one of these women was eventually going to betray him. Being so stupid must be part of the illogical ego trip that's one of the charms of this thrill ride.

Now, when the inevitable "IS THIS TIGER'S LOVE CHILD?" headlines start screaming across tabloids, Nordegren's going to have to ignore them, if she's staying. She should calm her soul with the reality that Woods didn't have any birth control failures until he decided to start a family. As far as we know, Woods seems meticulous about not leaving the birth control up to some strange woman.

3. LET DADDY EXPLAIN HIMSELF

As the children mature -- maybe attending school with other mean, jealous kids and eventually gaining access to computers -- explaining Woods' sorry behavior should fall strictly within the purview of Daddy's Duties.

4: FIRE EVERYBODY!

By everybody, I mean everyone who's traveled on tour and worked with Tiger. They all need to go.

I wrote this last week before TMZ.com reported that Woods is scheduled to be the best man at the wedding of Byron Bell, president of Tiger Woods Design and the fellow who allegedly arranged a Tiger tryst in the land down under. (You can bet Woods won't make this South Carolina wedding, if it's still on.)

All of Woods' employees were co-conspirators in the misgressions. They all knew he was not living up to his squeaky clean image. They kept quiet because Tiger was in charge. NOW YOU'RE IN CHARGE, Elin, because Woods wants to keep his family together. (And this desire on Tiger's behalf has nothing to do with sponsors: Nike doesn't care about cheating athletes. Michael Jordan. If Nike cared, it wouldn't be able to slap its logo on many athletes. Much like the athletes themselves, Nike hates when they get caught with their pants down.)

5: NEW PHONE SYSTEM.

Nordegren needs a latter-day party line -- two highly interactive cell phones. I don't know if this technology even exists, but when money is no obstacle, you can make anything happen. The objective is obvious. Every time Tiger dials a number, receives a call, sends or gets a text, that data and contact information should appear on Nordegren's cell phone, too. To restore trust, Woods should be willing to make all his activities transparent, for as long as is takes Nordegren to feel secure, including his cell phone activity. This also guarantees that if Tiger feels like sexting anybody, that person will be his wife.

If your private investigator* discovers that Tiger's bought another cell phone, THE MARRIAGE IS OVER. If your PI notices Tiger using the phone of staffers, repeatedly, TIME TO CALL THE DIVORCE LAWYER.

(*Oh yeah, I would hire one to bird dog Tiger until that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach went away.)

6: NEW PLAYMATES

7: ONE BED.

One of Tiger's bimbos has divulged an unusual -- for young people at least -- sleeping arrangement at Casa Woods. If Mr. and Mrs. Woods do indeed sleep in different bedrooms, that needs to end today.

Tiger has the funds to creatively mitigate bedroom issues.

Buy some-noise cancelling ear plugs.

Have a gigantic, custom-made bed designed for the master bedroom. I don't care if M/M Woods are so far apart it looks like they're sleeping in different zip codes, as long as they're in the same bed. If Tiger absolutely has to have his own bed, have a second bed installed in Nordegren's bedroom. The inability to sleep with a spouse is probably an underlying intimacy issue, which I am sure is something a good therapist would love to address.

Tiger can enjoy sleeping alone when he's on tour.

8: DON'T MAKE SEEKING THERAPY TOO EASY!

Everybody assumes Nordegren and Woods are getting intense therapy at their home. I believe in therapy, if both parties are sincere. If not, don't waste the money, not even your gazillions. But almost as important as the couples' counseling is the time the precipitating party devotes to looking at his/her schedule, making the appointment and then physically going to the sessions.

Nobody's going to be surprised to see video or photos of Tiger Woods going into a therapist's office, with or without Nordegren, for some time to come.

Getting a therapist to come to your house is not necessarily a good thing when the precipitating party already feels the rules don't apply to him. That kind of thinking is what got Woods in this mess. If he has to prepare himself for a humbling therapist walk, which is not quite in the same league as a perp walk, Woods will stop feeling so special, which is always good for someone who's heaped the kind of humiliation the champion golfer has deposited on his wife.

Marriage counseling with Tiger will go well. He's motivated, he probably loves his wife, and he's no dummy. (Yeah, I know that Woods left a dumb panicked voice mail, including his name, no less; but he didn't end it by promising he'd ever talk to this chick again!)

The most promising aspect of Tiger's mien is his willingness to be emotionally vulnerable in front of Nordegren and the public. A man who can't shed tears about anything is a man to be avoided.

Now that we all know about Woods' creeping, everybody will be keeping an eye on this Tiger for Nordegren -- IF she stays.