Breaking News: The story of the next mass shooting

MEMORANDUM

To: Staff

From: Editors

Many of you know that some news outlets are increasingly using robots to write news stories that are completely predictable and formulaic. These include weather summaries, sports recaps and corporate earnings stories.

Along those lines, given that mass shootings are becoming an almost daily occurrence in the United States, we have created a news story template you can use to facilitate writing stories on these common events. Please begin using this, starting with tomorrow's mass shooting and continuing with each one in the coming weeks and months:

A man armed with a (enter weapon here) and endless ammunition killed (enter number here) and wounded (enter number here) on (day of week), adding to the long list of horrific mass shootings that are now accepted as routine in America. It was the (number here) mass shooting of 2018 and the (number here) just in the last month.

(Suspect's name here) walked into a (church/school/nightclub/workplace) in (city name here) and began firing. Survivors said the suspect's firepower was equivalent to that of a small Army platoon. The dead included (enter number here) law enforcement officers who responded to the shooting.

Early reports suggest that the man suffered from mental illness and had purchased his guns legally. Authorities later found a stockpile of weapons in his apartment as well as threatening posts on his social media accounts. Those and other warning signs were ignored.

(Enter city name here) residents said they never thought such an incident could happen in their tranquil town.

"This is not something that happens in (enter city name here)," (enter shocked witness's name here) said. "You never think it's going to happen to you."

"We felt so safe (praying/dancing/studying)," (witness name here) said. "This was our safe place."

Activists said they hoped this rampage would finally be the one that forces Congress and the states to take real action to stem the senseless flow of blood. They pointed to the fact that no civilized nation endures the gun violence America does, and that there are 89 guns for every 100 residents in America. That number in the United Kingdom, by comparison, is less than 3.

"The gun is not to blame," (enter congressman's name here) said. "Just because mass shootings plague America like nowhere else in the world, that's no reason to trample on the rights of Americans to own whatever weaponry they please. That includes basic background checks."