Ask Amy: Bad news is hard to deliver

Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself anymore, his language is mostly gone, and it’s generally sad and depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver, and my siblings and I all live in different states.

I am often asked, “How’s your dad doing?” After years of trying to spin things more positively than truthfully, I’ve been defaulting lately to, “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.”

These responses typically make people grimace or apologize. I certainly don’t intend to bring on this response. Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer?

The people asking already know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve fully accepted how bad things are doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.

Follow-up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how am I supposed to respond? I usually shrug and say that I’m at peace with the situation, but again, this seems needlessly awkward and often makes me feel (and probably appear) callous.

Amy says: I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of commiseration and empathy. Your friends are saying, “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are.

Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer”? No. “Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me and nobody is stepping up to help” is how Debbie would spin her tale.

You suppose that your friends “don’t want” an honest answer to their polite queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if it makes them feel inadequate in the moment.

You can encourage further communication (if that’s what you want) by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”

Dear Amy: When people die, are items their children (or grandchildren) gave them considered property of the deceased, or are the items returned to the giver?

Example: A grandchild gave grandparents a valuable item years ago. After the funeral, they took the item off the wall and took it with them.

What is considered the proper etiquette in this situation?

Amy says: This isn’t an etiquette question. It’s more about theft, really.

The grandparents’ belongings are property of the estate, and should be left in the home until the estate is settled. The executor or administrator of the estate is in charge of administering the will and the process of dispersing possessions.

The best way to divide possessions is with the heirs’ full assent and cooperation. If a grandparent left her property to her children, ideally these children would gather and peacefully divide possessions according to an organized system (my family used a lottery system).

Yes, gifts given to the deceased often are returned to the person who gave them, but it is vital that the heirs agree to this. Removing things from the home without the knowledge or agreement of the heirs leads to problems. And occasionally — lawsuits.