Asking Eric: Hubby’s reaction confounds wife

Dear Eric: My husband and I have worked hard to create consistent communication in our relationship that has lasted 10 years. We both have struggled to get to a good place, which we thought we had achieved.

Then a month ago, my son was home from college. We were watching TV together. My son was sitting next to me. I started rubbing his head like when he was little. This lasted for about an hour.

The next day, my husband said he was “weirded out” by my behavior. He said it was infantilizing. I agreed and said I wouldn’t do it again. However, he is so disturbed by the behavior that he is not able to touch me. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since. He suggested that we see a counselor.

I am struggling to see my behavior as harmful or disturbing. I don’t see how a counselor can help, and I am afraid that this experience will end us.

Any thoughts you can offer would be helpful.

Eric says: There’s something going on with your husband that doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m not going to hazard a guess as to what it is, but talking with him about what happened in counseling could shed some light and, hopefully, get him to a place where he can deal with it.

His response was extreme and, seemingly, unnecessary. From what you wrote, the way you touched your son was appropriate and safe.

Dear Eric: I would like your advice on how to respond politely when someone tries to show you phone photos and ends up fishing through what seems like hundreds of pictures.

I am a board member of a plant society where our meetings are very busy, and I have lots to do. An older gentleman wants to show me plant photos while I am trying to set up for the meeting.

Another person who is a family member likes to show photos of people I don’t know while I’m preparing for dinner or a party. I would enjoy seeing these things at another time and also not have to wait while they search through their photos.

I do not want to hurt their feelings. Any suggestions?

Eric says: Honesty is going to be your friend here. “I’d love to see your photos, but I want to give them my full attention. Can you wait until I’m finished doing this?”

Dear Eric: I’d like to offer some additional thoughts to the writer whose friend asked for occasional assistance in driving the friend’s mentally challenged son. The writer mentioned that the friend is a member of the same church and they attend Bible study together.

Before the next Bible study (or other event at their church), the writer may wish to say, “I’m not always able to drive your son on days you may need some assistance. Perhaps if you mention it to the pastor or our group members, they can put together a list of volunteers who also might be able to lend a hand.”

Eric says: I love this suggestion. It’s a great way of solving the problem while also fostering community. Thanks for writing.