Dear Eric: I am a female executive employed by a large global corporation. It is a common practice in my workplace, and an expectation of my job, that I meet with colleagues, customers and service providers, sometimes while traveling for work, often solo, for business lunches and dinners at restaurants.
My husband is a business owner in a different industry, has never worked in a professional office setting and his work colleagues are all male.
My business lunches and dinners are a point of contention with my husband if they involve me dining alone with a male. He gets upset and angry.
I have talked with him about why he thinks this way. He says he has no insecurity or distrust, rather, it is just disrespectful of me to have work dinners alone with other men. I have tried to provide the context that this is commonplace in my profession and workplace.
He has supported my career in every other respect. I try to avoid solo work dinners with men but sometimes it is necessary, in which case I give him as much information as possible and brace myself for the argument. What else can I do?
Eric says: Your husband says he doesn’t have insecurity or distrust, but absent those emotions, I struggle to see what his issue is. In a secure marriage, a dinner alone with anyone is a rather innocuous thing.
Every marriage has its own internal rules, and there may be some people for whom solo dinners of this sort would be a mutually agreed upon no-go. But in your case, it’s not a mutually agreed upon aspect of your marriage. Moreover, this objection undermines the validity of your career. He’s got to do better.
Bring this point of contention to couple’s therapy. There are aspects of his response that read as controlling; that’s something to talk about with a neutral third party. Similarly, you’ve had to negotiate the emotional impact of these arguments and any guilt that has come up. This also is something you should bring up in therapy.
