Ask Eric: Tired of queries about ancestry

Dear Eric: My ancestors from Spain have resided in the United States since long before the first Thanksgiving.

When one acquaintance inquired about my origin, I assumed he meant the city I recently relocated from. He clarified by asking if I was from Guatemala. I also have encountered strangers who have initiated inquiries.

I have light skin and brown eyes, which may lead one to assume that I should blend in. I am proud of my Spanish heritage. But obviously, there is something that sets me apart. Maybe it’s my last name.

I generally refrain from inquiring about individuals’ origins unless it arises naturally during a conversation. It’s not a huge concern, but an annoying one. How would you respond?

Eric says: Though it can be an innocuous question initially, the follow-up “where are you really from?” shows that there’s a narrative in the questioner’s mind that may or may not connect to reality. They may be trying to find commonality, but many people who experience this kind of questioning find that it actually highlights differences. And that’s not appropriate.

When it comes to personal information, like history, heritage, racial makeup and origins, you don’t have to share anything with anyone. So, if the answer you’ve given isn’t accepted, answer the question with a question. “Why do you ask?”

Dear Eric: My life partner and I are very intentional about whom we invite over and when. Some friends get along with anyone, and others they don’t mix well at larger gatherings.

Inevitably after we’ve had a larger gathering, these separate friends start asking questions about who was there, why they weren’t invited or if they are ever going to get invited to one of our “parties.”

We are totally willing and able to explain why we don’t include them with the larger group activities. We like them and want to stay friends but are more comfortable compartmentalizing and sorting different friends and family into the groups they fit best in.

What is your advice for the best way to handle this? We are sick of being made to feel bad or guilty for making intentional choices about what we do and don’t want to do.

Eric says: I’m so glad you’re willing to be honest with your friends because that’s exactly what you need to do.

First off, your friends are being too pushy, which isn’t a great way to get people to want to invite you places. It can be fine to ask, “is there a reason I didn’t make the cut?” in small doses. But the objective should be relationship maintenance — “are we OK?” — rather than feelings maintenance — “I wanted this thing, and you didn’t give it to me.”

These are things that you might want to think about before you have the conversation. No one is owed an invitation to a gathering, but it can feel isolating to think that “everyone” is hanging out without you.

Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that we feel. So, I have some compassion. Talk to your friends about what kind of gatherings you’re imagining, the obstacles that you anticipate throwing said gatherings, and ask them if they see the situation in the same way.