Ask Eric: Take a turn at being the host

Dear Eric: My father’s side of the family has a history of hosting holiday meals. We are all in our 60s and 70s. My parents are gone, so my cousin has taken over and puts on a great celebration.

With the pandemic and the death of her mother, she did not host any large gatherings. We understood. When the pandemic ended and there still was no invitation, I reached out to see if we had offended someone. She said no and invited us all over. That was in 2023. But she did not invite us in 2024.

While I am not going to reach out and beg again, I am at the point to write off that side, especially when we have a wedding coming up in 2026. The wedding will be very expensive per plate. Should we invite them — we’d be inviting 12 of them. Should I wait to see what happens this year for Thanksgiving?

Eric says: It’s helpful to think about this from her side. Hosting is a big job and, even when gladly undertaken, can be challenging. Also, as you noted, things shifted dramatically in her personal world, so holidays may have an added layer of grief. She said it wasn’t about you. I wouldn’t take it personally.

In your letter, I don’t see mention of things you’re doing to gather your family, including her. To that end, the wedding seems like a perfect time to welcome your family with open arms. Yes, adding 12 people is expensive “per plate,” but how many free plates have you enjoyed over the years?

Dear Eric: I was recently in a pretty bad car accident. My first memory is waking up in the hospital, not knowing what was going on, and having a nurse ask me if I wanted anything for the pain. I said no. Then the nurse stepped out in the hallway and yelled, “He’s a tough guy; doesn’t want any pain meds.”

I don’t even know how to respond to that; nor do I think I’ve ever had a high tolerance for pain.

Many people find that their pain is underreported or downplayed in some medical situations. So, it can be helpful to have a loved one or friend with you to help advocate and communicate on your behalf.

Empathy also is needed in the reverse. When we show up on our worst days at a hospital or urgent care center, it’s crucial to remember that the healthcare workers are the remedy, not the cause of our pain. And they work incredibly hard. If a patient isn’t feeling heard or respected, that’s the time to bring in another member of the staff.

Dear Eric: In response to the letter from the person who was having trouble navigating difficult personalities and disrespect as the secretary of the condo board, can I offer some advice I received from my dad when I joined my condo board?

He told me that the best thing I can do in those moments is to think, “I’m so sorry that this is the most important thing in your life.” Over the years, across service on several personal and professional boards, I have found that to be an incredibly useful way to get through the pettiness of these situations.

Eric says: I love an internal mantra that can help to right-size a difficult situation.