Ask Eric: Sibling cut out of family events

Dear Eric: I am a woman in my 60s with six siblings. Our parents are in their early 90s and have raised us to be thoughtful and respectful. Many of my siblings are female and always have gotten along famously, traveling together on girls’ trips and seeing each other for holidays and family celebrations.

In the past few years, it seems I’ve been forgotten. There are many occasions where I’ve been “accidentally” left off of invite texts for pool days and other things. They seem to pair off and plan trips, of which I am not included.

Today I walked in on a conversation and asked what they were talking about. The look on my sisters’ faces having to share that they’re planning a trip said it all. They danced around the awkwardness of being discovered and assured me they would plan something so great that I’d want to join.

It’s very hurtful considering one of them is my twin. How do I navigate the betrayal? Should I instigate a conversation asking why I’m not included? I fear that when my parents are gone, we will have nothing in common, and I will be cut out completely.

Eric says: Because you live close enough to be able to walk in on them, a conversation is the right next step. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, hurt and even betrayed. And you can tell them that, using “I” statements, as in, “When I heard that you were planning a trip, I felt hurt that I wasn’t invited.”

This conversation can lead to the big question: what happened? It may be that they’ve started to appreciate a different style of travel. But as adults, and as your siblings, they can be upfront about it. It may be a solvable issue. Or it may be quirks of personality. Either way, you deserve more than you’re getting.

Dear Eric: By choice, I’m a single, middle-aged adult with no kids. I’m an only child, as well, so I don’t have a lot of close family.

I’ve recently inherited quite a bit of money and real estate. It’s enough assets for me to have the option to retire early and still live comfortably. My money is well-managed and conservatively invested.

Not many people know about this inheritance, and I intend to keep it that way. My primary goal is to spend quality time with my dear friends and their families, some of whom I see rather infrequently because of geographic distance.

No one in my circle is particularly well-off financially. We’ve always split costs, but now I would very much like to not have my friends feel obligated to pay me back. I would like them to relax and enjoy their time with me and not worry about money.

How can I communicate this to them? How can I ease the awkwardness and alleviate any anxieties they feel without revealing too much about my change of fortune and sounding like a braggart?

Eric says: What a great heart you have. The simplest way to achieve your goal may be a version of the truth that’s not the whole truth.

And this isn’t bragging; it most likely will come across as prudent financial planning mixed with true generosity.