Ask Eric: Parents cut off without warning

Dear Eric: My husband and his siblings inherited an apartment building. My daughter offered to move her family into one of the units and take care of the property. We decided on a figure that would cover the bills in the form of rent.

Several years ago, she began withholding rent, she would pay only when I would ask for additional money because of a large expense. And even when she did pay rent, the bills had gone up to the point that her rent wouldn’t come close to paying them. I left it alone and quietly paid the bills, letting her live off us for at least four years.

Last year, we realized that we no longer could keep up with the expenses and sold the building. I arranged with the new owner to let my daughter stay for a monthly rent. She then suddenly moved out, providing no idea where to.

I have been shut out. She no longer texts me and I have heard nothing for months.

I am not sure what to do, I am beside myself with grief for the loss of my only daughter and her kids. Am I the bad guy here? Should I just let this go?

Eric says: You’re not the bad guy. You did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat, even at the expense of your own peace of mind and wallet. This is not about you. It’s about her and her actions.

This isn’t to say that she’s the bad guy. There are people who are hurting, and there are people who are letting their hurt hurt others. The book “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman may offer you some insight and solace.

Dear Eric: For many years, three friends and I have gotten together for lunch once a month. The venue changes each time, and we decide then where and when we will meet the next month.

The next month comes, and three of us show up at the appointed time and place. Pat does not. So, someone calls her to remind her, even though a reminder message is sent to everyone that morning before we meet. She says she forgot, and we wait for her to come.

It happened again last week. I strongly urged the others not to call her — that the natural consequence is that she misses joining us this time. One of the other gals said that we can’t give up on our longtime friend. To me it is not giving up on her, but it may suggest that she be more responsible. Who is right?

Eric says: If this has been going on for years, it seems likely that Pat is no longer being irresponsible but rather just following the pattern that the four of you long ago established. Pat apparently sits at home waiting to be summoned to various locations. I’m not saying it’s the best way; but it’s reality.

You don’t have to participate by calling Pat, but I think you set yourself up for on-going conflict if you keep pressing the issue. If others of your friends are willing to keep calling Pat to remind her, let them. I’d encourage you to talk to your other two friends about ways that you can maximize the time you have together so that you’re not just twiddling your thumbs waiting for Pat. But I don’t think anyone needs to be right here.