Ask Eric: Parents’ anxiety is growing

Dear Eric: My now-retired parents are terrific people. They’re interesting, kind, hardworking and A++ grandparents. My wife and I marvel at how instinctive, capable and giving they are with our two young boys.

That said, every year their anxiety reaches new heights. It seems like a classic case of having very little to fill the void of what their careers once were. It makes it exhausting to spend more than a day or two at a time with them.

All the lights must be turned off 24/7, unless there’s a very good reason to turn them on. Deciding on dinner is a one- or two-hour ordeal. It’s stuff that’s not only decreasing their quality of life, but in turn, affecting my relationship with them. I’d sooner disengage than have another circular discussion about their HOA’s landscaping decisions.

I know the standard advice: Have an honest conversation. Express loving concern. Use “I feel” language. Blah, blah, blah. Do you have any original thoughts on how to kindly broach the topic with them?

Eric says: Accept it. Their experience of the world is changing, and while some of it may be cause for concern, other aspects simply may be quirks in personality that come with age and stage. They’re great parents and grandparents, so give them some grace. Turn off the lights if they don’t want them on. Listen to the HOA talk. We have a finite amount of time with each other.

That said, if you’re concerned that their anxiety is indicative of some larger issue, tell them: “These are the things I’m seeing. Do you see this as an issue as well? Would you be open to talking to your doctor about it? Can I come along as your medical advocate?”

Anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways, and it is treatable medically, holistically and spiritually. But you’ll have to let go of your judgment of it in order to have a conversation that feels safe for them.

Eric says: Absolutely. She may not realize she’s doing it. By telling her that the noisiness bothers you, you give her the opportunity to make a change.

Dear Eric: Sometimes “Patty” and I grocery shop together. She’s very friendly and gives each cashier and bagger a hug. As a former cashier, I’ve told her not to do that. Two employees told me that the manager (who is very nice to me) is on the verge of kicking her out. Should I tell her what likely will happen if she doesn’t tone it down?

Eric says: Yes. It’s the helpful thing to do. Talk to her about the hugging and then ask her, without judgment, if she needs help with other parts of her life. If you feel out of your depth, offer to go with her to her doctor to talk about what’s going on or bring a mutual friend. Your intervention could help Patty avoid something much worse.