Dear Eric: We are retired grandparents to 7-year-old twins who live close by. We are delighted to help with chauffeuring, grocery shopping or anything else needed by two very hard-working parents.
Today after dropping off groceries, my wife noted that the refrigerator, in her opinion, had an unpleasant odor and was very quick to share her opinion with my son-in-law. She is rather critical of many of his habits, and her opinions are not without merit. But my mother always told me, “less said, better mended.”
When I say to my wife, “too much mother-in-law,” she gets mad at me. Should I say something to mend this, or should I just go back to my corner?
Eric says: It’s a shame we can’t get rich off of people adding their two cents. But because no bank will accept opinions as currency, some change is warranted here.
Your son-in-law has to manage his relationship with you and your wife, so if he’s feeling chafed by her opinions, he’s got to learn how to say something. You’ve told your wife what you think. Now it’s fine to back off.
However, if you feel something needs to be mended in the larger relationship, it’s fine to talk it through with your daughter and her husband, but loop in your wife first. This way it doesn’t seem to her like you’re talking behind her back.
Tell her, “I’m uncomfortable with the way our relationship is playing out with our son-in-law. I’m going to talk to both of them about ways that they can feel better supported. You can come along if you want, but this is just for listening and for learning.”
Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood.
