Dear Eric: I have two sons in their early 30s. Recently, my older son became engaged to a wonderful woman I love as a daughter.
I have found that my desire for close family bonds has gotten stronger as I get older, especially in the past several years when I’ve been living several hours’ travel away from my blood family. I want to keep an active interchange going with all three. At the same time, I don’t want to seem like I’m hanging over them.
How do I figure out the right frequency for casual texts, shares, etc.?
Eric says: This is such a lovely concern, and because it’s rooted in love (and good boundaries), I suspect you have less to fear than you might think. What’s most important to remember is that you are an equal part of the mother-son relationship and you can ask for what you need.
Yes, your sons are continuing to expand their lives, but you’re still a part of those lives. Good relationships thrive on clear, open communication. Sometimes that means calling, texting or visiting when you want to and letting them adjust the cadence as need be. Other times, that means having a conversation about what level of contact feels good for everyone involved. Maybe you’ll find that they aren’t big on texts but welcome phone calls, or vice versa.
You’re not a burden. And it will be easier for your sons to keep showing you their love if you let them know how life is changing for you, just as they’re letting you know how life is changing for them. Keep talking to them, keep listening to what they’re asking for and keep sharing what you need to feel loved and supported, as well.
End of the line
Dear Eric: Sarah and I have been friends for 20 years. Initially, I was a stay-at-home mom, like she is, but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours. I have tried to keep in touch, even as my life has become busier, and it tends to fall to me to organize get-togethers.
In the last year, I have experienced the loss of a parent. Now I am supporting my remaining parent, who is in rapidly declining health, as well as paying bills and arranging home care. This requires frequent visits several hundred miles away. My husband also has had significant health concerns and has required a great deal of support.
