Ask Eric: Mom is tired of unsolicited advice

Dear Eric: My 30-year-old son has a muscle disease that has left him severely physically disabled. He requires assistance with all life functions. He does not have any cognitive disabilities, however, and has earned a bachelor’s degree. My husband retired a couple of years ago and is his main caregiver.

People who are likely well-intentioned ask how he is doing, and when we respond that he is doing well despite the progression of his disease and that he handles his very challenging situation with grace and little complaint, they follow up with questions about whether he has plans to work and then oftentimes even start suggesting jobs he could consider.

These people have no idea the challenges that he faces every day, and my husband and I feel that, as long as he is happy and satisfied, that is all that matters. We try to explain that having a job would create a lot of stress for him and would require my husband to be with him to assist at all times. Additionally, one item that we do not feel the need to share is that if he earned basically any more than minimum wage, he would lose his benefits.

We don’t think that we owe anyone an explanation, but despite our trying to briefly and kindly respond to their questions, they inevitably continue to press on about the topic.

We appreciate people asking about him, but we also would appreciate it if they would accept our response and move on to other topics of conversation. How can we reply to these interrogations without coming across as defensive or angry?

Eric says: One option is to offer less in the way of an update. A simple “he’s doing well, thank you,” gives the well-intentioned inquisitor fewer avenues for offering suggestions.

Another option is to kindly but firmly remind people that they don’t know what they’re talking about. “Oh, we’ve thought through all of that and more. Trust me, this is exactly where we need to be.”

Dear Eric: My mother and her caretaker came to visit for two days. My mother has a form of dementia, even though we all feel that at times she plays it up.

We went to dinner, and she looked at me and said, “Oh look, a stray hair,” and pulled it out! She did not try to move it or let me move it over. It was especially upsetting for me because I have been trying to grow my hair out after I lost it all to chemotherapy.

My mother never missed an opportunity to hit or slap me as a child. I feel that she has overstepped my physical integrity, and I get the willies whenever she tries to touch me. I have made it clear to her caregiver that I will not be coming to visit her anymore.

Am I wrong to not want to see her again. Despite everything, I have always been a dutiful daughter, but I just feel that she crossed a line this time that I can’t deal with anymore.

Eric says: Your mother’s abuse in the past is inexcusable. You don’t have to subject yourself to it in the present. You can and should prioritize keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe.