Ask Eric: Mom is still paying ex’s rent

Dear Eric: I had a relationship with a man for eight years. We broke up five years ago. He has cut off all contact with me. However, he still talks to my mother. Not only that, she pays his rent and bought him a car.

I have told her that her contact with my ex makes me uncomfortable. I know she is her own person, and I can’t make her stop. But I hate that he is still connected to and leeching off my parents.

She has some story about owing him something for how he took care of me. (Blech! I’m an adult and can take care of myself.) The other story she has told me is that she will break off contact once he graduates from his teaching program — but he has been in and out of various teaching programs since 2015.

How can I get her to see how awkward and inappropriate her contact with my ex is?

Eric says: This is more than awkward; it seems close to predatory. It’s especially troubling that your ex has cut off contact with you but still maintains a one-sided financial relationship with your mother.

While you’re right that your mother is her own person and has to be responsible for her decisions, if she’s been convinced that she owes your ex something, it’s possible that this has hallmarks of financial elder abuse. I want to stress the word possible — I cannot say for certain that’s what’s happening. But if you suspect your mother is being exploited financially, contact your local adult protective services program (to find it, go to napsa-now.org).

Dear Eric: My home was the gathering place for family functions for years. I was the family event planner, organizing trips, putting down the deposits and planning holidays. It was very stressful, but I did it for family unity.

However, during this period I still was asked, “What are the plans for XYZ?” Are you kidding me? I was barely meeting my financial needs. I politely informed them, “I am not hosting any more family functions. Someone else needs to take on the reins.” Well, no one did.

I eventually gained employment and enjoyed a wonderful career. Now I’m enjoying retirement.

I have gotten snarky comments over the years whenever I post pictures of me with my children and grandchildren enjoying ourselves, e.g. “Oh, you went on vacation and did not tell anyone. I wanted to go, too.” I usually ignore these comments, but it’s starting to rile me up. Should I say something?

Eric says: “Where’s my invite?” I don’t know; where’s your down payment?

Some people see gentle needling as the same as a compliment or benign conversation. I heartily disagree.

It’s easy to feel like your efforts were taken for granted back then. And comments about your present excursions likely feel the same. What you want is for someone to say, “I see how hard you worked to make things nice for our family. Thank you; I appreciate you. We should have made things nice for you, too, but I’m happy you have the time and means to create memories and enjoy yourself now.”

If you’re not hearing it from them, hear it from me: I’m happy for you; you deserve this.