Ask Eric: Live-in boyfriend thinks he’s king

Dear Eric: My daughter has a live-in boyfriend who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom.

I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset.

I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her, and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator and dramatic.

He also said my grandkids didn’t want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter, and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong?

Eric says: You’re not wrong. This man seems like a nightmare. It’s also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he’s doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse.

Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. But shift the focus from the apology you’re owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that he is behaving — controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous.

There are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You also can refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or TheHotline.org).

Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation.

Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me.

I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

Eric says: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there’s a path forward. You’ve offered her so much generosity already, what’s the harm in extending a little more for a moment?