Ask Eric: Hoarder’s friend wants to help

Dear Eric: I have a friend of several decades and recently learned she is a hoarder. We’ve always met outside our homes for coffee or lunch. I assumed it was more convenient.

A few months ago, she texted to tell me she’s been embarrassed for me to find out her “secret.” She also asked me for help. I was thrilled and offered to help, but she refused to make a commitment.

Later I found out she had reached out because her therapist insisted on it. But she also confessed she had no intention of letting me actually help.

I’d leave the problem alone except my friend does a fair amount of animal rescue, particularly cats and kittens. She said one of the rooms in her house is covered with uncleaned feces. I’m worried about her health.

Pushing my friend will only make her withdraw. I can’t call authorities because we live in a small town, and she is a well-respected educator. Do you have any suggestions?

Eric says: There are avenues for help, but, as with any other compulsive behavior, she has to be willing to take the first step.

You might give her the book “Buried in Treasure, Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding” by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee. You also might suggest she give herself the homework of discussing the book with her therapist.

Your state health department will have resources for people who hoard. Many have a “hoarding task force” with connections to police, fire and mental health support. Often, they’re trained in sensitivity and discretion. I encourage you to reach out.

Dear Eric: I have two casual friends who moved to different parts of the country, but who have sent me messages every couple of months for many years. These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone, and they seem to feel the same.

They have written that they “want to keep in touch,” yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like “been busy,” when I ask what they’ve been up to.

I used to offer details about work, hobbies, spouse and where I’ve traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part. Frankly, I don’t see this as keeping in touch. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing them back?

Eric says: Some people, especially in the age of a quick text message or email, are satisfied with a simple greeting. Others, like yourself (and me, frankly), want a little more substance in the correspondence.

You have a few options. You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes, thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment. You can let it peter out by not replying. Or you can address it directly — “I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with you. Care to give me an update?”

Dear Eric: I have some advice for the reader who took her mother-in-law on a trip and she complained the whole time.

My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way. I spent 35 years trying to please her, and it never worked. I finally realized I had to accept the type of person she was, and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me.

Eric says: This is so wise. We can’t change others, but we can change how we respond to the actions of others.