Ask Eric: Concert chatting hits wrong note

Dear Eric: I go to a lot of concerts and sporting events, and I want to watch and/or listen. However, others often just want to talk. I need a polite way to ask them to leave me alone so I can watch and enjoy the event. Any ideas?

Eric says: It’s probably easiest to address this beforehand. Tell the person (people) you’re going with in advance, “I’m really excited about this event. I know sometimes we can get into conversation at things like this. But I like to focus. So, don’t think I’m being rude if I don’t participate.”

What you’re looking to do is reset an expectation. It sounds like the people you go with expect concerts and sporting events to be opportunities for social connection. And for a lot of people, that’s what they are. But you’re not alone in wanting to pay attention to what’s happening on stage or in the game. Your friends may think that you can easily switch from watching mode to conversation mode. So, cluing them in will help them and you.

If they slip up and try to engage you, offer a reminder. “Remember, I’m really into the concert. But don’t let me stop you from having fun. I’ll catch up on the conversation afterward.”

Dear Eric: I am married to a wonderful woman who is a fixer of things. It’s not either of our first marriages, and we have a large, blended family of adult children, some with spouses and children, that generally gets along well.

One of her kids brought up the idea of a family vacation. There is a group chat with her children that I have not seen, but when my wife was talking to one of the kids, it became apparent that the group isn’t going to invite my children.

I believe it’s a bit of nostalgia for their childhood trips that also acknowledges there are more people now involved by bringing spouses and children but still feeling like it’s their core sibling group.

I fear that she is going to make an issue where there isn’t one. How do I get her to allow me to think through this issue, or future issues, without offering ways to fix it? Or am I just trying to keep the peace by not pushing for my kids to be included?

Eric says: She’s trying to manage your feelings and those of your kids when she would be more successful asking you your feelings and then listening to them.

People who are fixers often think that everyone else’s emotions are their responsibility. This can be a real challenge. But, in turn, it’s not your responsibility to fix this for her.

Instead, tell her clearly what you’re feeling: “I don’t see this as a problem, and I would strongly prefer that we stay out of it. It’s kind of you to think of my kids, but this solution is creating tension for me, and I believe it will cast your kids’ trip in a light that does more harm than good.”

Ask her to respect the way you feel. You then can ask her to say more about how she feels and tell her that you respect that, as well. A possible compromise: Agree that if your kids need her to fix something, they’ll ask.