Ask Eric: College student has lesson to learn

Dear Eric: Last August, my husband and I told his niece that we would help with her daughter’s college expenses. We sent $2,000 to the college for the first semester. We received a thank-you text from his niece but nothing from the student. We eventually told the grandmother, my husband’s sister, that we expected something from the student recognizing that we had sent some money. Finally, a thank-you note came in the spring.

After receiving that, we sent another $2,000 to the university. Now it’s months later, and we have received nothing from the girl. What do we do? Ask again for a thank-you note, stay quiet and give more money, or stay quiet and quit giving money? Are we expecting too much? I think we should just cut her off.

Eric says: The student absolutely should be sending you thank-you notes, unprompted. She’s old enough to know that and should be mature enough to do it.

I think you should go to the source, i.e., the student. And this aspect of my advice prompts a question. You write that you’ve been in communication with your niece and your sister-in-law, but I’m curious what relationship you have with the student.

If you don’t have a close relationship with her, there’s a world where one could imagine she thinks a thank-you text is sufficient. Speaking to her directly and resetting the relationship might help. You can tell her, “We’re happy to give this money, but it’s important that when people do nice things for you, you acknowledge them.”

You also can stop sending the checks and move on. But this life lesson will be valuable.

Dear Eric: My daughter is getting married next year at a location that is about a six-hour drive from here and accessible only by ferry. It will be an outdoor wedding, so there might be a lot of walking, perhaps on uneven terrain.

I want her to know that she is a valued friend without burdening her. What is the best approach?

Eric says: Honesty can be so kind. It allows you to be clear in your intent and also offers your friend the chance to make an informed decision. So, give her the full picture, just as you laid it out here. “Of course you’re invited to the wedding, but I want to sincerely take the pressure off. I’ve been worried about how strenuous an experience it will be.”

Then, use the phrase that you used in your letter. “You’re a valued friend, but I don’t want to burden you. So, think about it, but know you’re welcome to stay home or to come and join us.”

Dear Eric: I am writing in response to the letter about the couple who wanted to be buried together but were concerned about the response from their children from their first marriages, who wanted their individual parents to be buried together.

Once the couple discusses plans, they could contact a funeral director, who would help them to finalize their plans, in detail and in writing, and pre-pay the funeral costs. They also could buy burial plots. If their children ever inquire about burial plans, they can simply say that their funeral is planned and paid for.