Ask Eric: Cheater wants friends back

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our late 60s. Starting in our 30s, we had a large group of friends, with whom we spent many fun weekends together. All wonderful people, or so we thought.

A few years ago, it came out that one of our dearest friends had an affair with another dear friend’s wife while we were all getting together.

The shock of this was unbelievable. The cheated-on husband was devastated, got divorced and moved hours away. He’s had no contact with the cheating wife, same as the rest of us.

The cheating husband came over yesterday, spur of the moment. My husband said yes to a quick visit, thinking he had something important to tell us.

After a short, awkward visit, the cheater pleaded his case. He said it was all half a lifetime ago and that after the affair ended, he had tried to be a great friend to the cheated-on friend (weird). He said that he has zero friends and wanted to rekindle the friendship with my husband. They were very close. My hubby said he didn’t know if that was possible, and the cheater left in tears.

We feel horrible. I can feel the cheater’s pain. Are we wrong to not rekindle this friendship? It seems like a betrayal, although we no longer are in touch much with the cheated-on guy. We feel like judge and jury, though, and know that forgiveness and compassion are good things.

Eric says: Your loyalty to your friend who was cheated on is commendable. But I’d like to focus on a different relationship — the one between you and the friend who came to visit. Because that’s currently the only relationship that you have the power to fix.

He doesn’t get to come waltzing back into your life simply because he’s in a tough spot emotionally. You don’t owe him companionship. But if you and your husband are open to it, and he’s able to work on making amends, you should pursue it.

There’s so much damage in the past that I don’t think it’s a betrayal of your loyalty to your other friend, so you can step down from the judicial bench and put down the gavel. This will allow you to see your friend as human and, like us all, flawed.

Dear Eric: While I agree with your response to the parent whose comments kept offending their daughter, you may have forgotten that the daughter is a millennial. And millennials are universally offended by any criticism. From anyone, especially a parent. As the parent of a 40-year-old, I try to ask myself “did they ask?” before I offer advice.

Eric says: Universally? Not to prove my geriatric millennial bona fides — a millennial is defined as someone born between 1981 and 1996 — but I have to push back on this a little bit.

First, generational generalizations don’t serve anyone. Per U.S. Census Bureau data, there are more than 72 million millennials in the United States. Now, it may feel like 72 million people can’t take criticism, but is that really true?

However, I love the way you end the letter. “Did they ask?” is a fantastic self-check-in for anyone, of any age, who is about to offer unsolicited advice.