Ask Eric: Brothers spar over old loan

Dear Eric: My brother has children with whom I was extremely close when he and his wife got divorced in 1989. He never supported his kids, never paid child support and drank away everyone’s money, including $20,000 in rehabs that my parents paid for.

My brother asked to borrow $5,000. For the sake of my niece and nephew, I loaned him the money. Unbeknownst to me, he was borrowing money from everyone in the family. When we found out, we cut him off.

I’m now 56, and he is 72. Three years ago, he reached out to me again. Not to borrow or pay back money, but to reconnect. Through our limited conversations, he keeps asking for my address or an invite to my house. I never gave him either one.

He recently told me he has been sending $200 to $300 every couple of weeks to my niece, now 40, a divorced mother of one son. He also is putting several hundred dollars a month in a trust for her 9-year-old son.

On several occasion, I have told him that because he has money to spare, he can send me money each month to pay me back. He laughs and blows me off.

I don’t care to rekindle a relationship that has been dead for 35 years. What I want is the $5,000 repaid. I’ll even waive the interest. I have two kids in college, and I can use the money. Because of the time that has passed, would I have legal recourse?

Eric says: I hate what I’m about to write ... you have to let it go. The $5,000 has grown so large in your mind, fueled by the compounding interest of outrage on your part and unreliable behavior on your brother’s part, that it’s nearly impossible to pay down.

I know you want the $5,000, but what you really need is an apology. It doesn’t sound like your brother has the emotional ability to provide that right now. He’s poorer for it, but by letting it go, you keep him from robbing you of your contentment.

Dear Eric: My younger estranged brother recently contacted me to say he has stage 4 colon cancer and is on hospice. He hasn’t spoken to our mother in years and wants to tell her about the cancer. Our mother is not well, and I feel this will kill her, literally. I am unsure of what to do. I think my mother would be full of guilt and hopelessness. Please advise.

Eric says: -This is a terrible situation, and I suspect you feel caught in the middle. If your mother has the mental capacity to consent to speak with your brother, please don’t block them from the opportunity. Your mother may experience guilt and hopelessness, as you fear. But I can’t stop thinking about the intensity of emotions she might feel if she never gets to have another conversation with your brother.