Ask Eric: Bad manners ruin social group

Dear Eric: I’m part of a group that meets on a regular basis to engage in a hobby. We have enjoyable, interesting conversations and a great rapport. One friend, “Rose”, has started including her daughter “Tracy” in some of these gatherings, which has changed the group dynamic and, frankly, made things not fun anymore.

Tracy is very negative and critical, and she frequently interrupts to steer conversations to herself, among other rude behaviors. Rose never addresses Tracy’s poor manners.

I feel for Tracy because she doesn’t seem to have any friends of her own, but she’s an adult and should behave like one. Ordinarily, I’m an inclusive person, but I’ve reached a breaking point concerning Tracy. I could speak directly (and kindly) to Tracy when she’s disruptive, or I could talk to Rose about why she doesn’t correct her daughter’s poor behavior. But Rose has publicly thrown things back in my face in the past, so I can’t imagine what would happen if I called out her daughter in front of her or suggested that her daughter is ill-mannered.

Yes, I could just bow out of the group, but I cherish these friends and want to continue meeting with them. I can’t think of a good solution to this situation.

Eric says: It’s likely that Rose is bringing Tracy as a way of helping her daughter navigate social challenges. So, you may feel differently if you apply another standard to Tracy.

Go into your meetings with the thought “Tracy is doing her best and Rose is doing what she thinks is best.” That will put you in a different mindset than “Tracy’s bad manners ruin my time.” Accepting that this is what Rose has chosen to do will help you let go of what you expect from the group and work with what is.

Dear Eric: I am the oldest of three siblings, all in our 50s. I am very close to my middle brother. But both of us have set firm boundaries of time and distance from our younger brother. He complains constantly, and he creates unpleasant drama where there is none.

He is using our elderly mother as a therapist, talking to her for hours on end about all his worries and anxieties. This is a huge burden on her. She agrees that she is enabling him, but cannot stop herself.

I believe he has undiagnosed mental illness. We want to protect our mother from spending her final years with all her joy obscured by his darkness. We have decided we need therapy, even if he excludes the possibility. What do you advise?

Eric says: I feel sad for your mom and for your brother; they’re stuck in tough positions. Knowing that there are solutions available and being able to avail oneself of those solutions are sometimes two very different things.

Therapy for yourself is a good idea. It will help you to process the frustration and grief you’re feeling about your brother’s behavior and help you accept your mother’s decision to be a sounding board for your brother.