Ask Eric: Advice well-meant but still hurtful

Dear Eric: I had a bad falling out from a very toxic job a few months ago. Since it ended, I’ve been dealing with feelings of shame and betrayal, but I’m doing what I can to clean the fallout from my brain. I’m in therapy, I’ve taken up some new hobbies, and I’m reconnecting with old friends.

I’m taking some time off from full-time employment (I still have a small side hustle), but I have some savings, and I’m taking care to protect my “on ramp” for a future job search.

A close relative keeps bringing up the fact that I’m underemployed. She insists that she’s “worried about me.” She says that “something is better than nothing” or that I need to “get back to real life.”

Every time she brings it up, I end up in a shame spiral where my choice to take time for myself feels like “procrastination and laziness.” It’s making it harder for me to enjoy this time off.

How can I communicate better to this relative about the effects of her well-intentioned meddling? I’ve increasingly been shutting her out, but I just wish I could talk to her about where I’m at without feeling ashamed and pressured to job search.

Alternatively, how can I summon the fortitude to not let her comments bother me and keep my mind on what I want for myself?

Eric says: There’s a part of your plan that’s quite exciting — you’re taking a nontraditional path in the interest of healing and self-improvement. This has the potential to make you a more fully actualized person and a stronger candidate for employment.

Working out things like the timeframe (how much financial runway do you have and when do you plan to start looking for work again?) and progress markers (how are you tracking your development?) will help you feel less stalled.

As for your relative: be completely honest — her pestering is not helpful; you are struggling with shame, and you don’t want to talk about this until she actually could be helpful.

Dear Eric: I have been a special education teacher for 51 years. I found a recent letter quite disturbing. It was about a child who was torturing his younger brother, and by smiling when told to stop by his mother, showed callousness and lack of remorse. His father offered the “boys will be boys” rationale. I feel counseling, both individual and family would be indicated. These parents need to be sure the younger child is protected and not at the mercy of his older brother.

Eric says: You’re correct. I was overwhelmed by the content of the letter and, in the end, didn’t focus enough on the most important piece of advice, which was ensuring the safety of the younger brother and therapeutic treatment for both boys and the family.

I wrote that the behavior of the older brother could escalate to bullying or abuse, but the fact is it already had risen to that level. The letter writer and her husband need to take immediate steps to separate the boys, provide the younger son with a space of his own, with a locked door, and get counseling for both boys.

I appreciate you writing. I regret that the answer I gave originally didn’t meet the standard that I set for myself. I share your concern for this home.