Ask Amy: Yoga friendship is posing a problem

Dear Amy: I made friends with "Bruce" at a yoga class about 10 years ago. We'd meet for classes and then grab dinner.

I moved away about a year into the friendship, and we lost touch. Just before the pandemic, Bruce was visiting the city where I lived and looked me up.

He told me he had no close friends (his previous friends had ghosted him) and that he had considered suicide. I recommended he seek help. I also told him to get in touch at any time, and that he was welcome to visit.

He took me up on the offer and started visiting every two or three months (including on Christmas and for his birthday) and stayed for two or three days each time. We didn't have much to talk about. Bruce was fussy and demanding and, frankly, I hated the visits, but I felt responsible.

Now I've moved back to the city where he lives. He's made more friends, is closer to his family, has a girlfriend and seems well. But he still complains nonstop, reporting petty slights and missteps — and I just nod and listen.

How can I end this friendship? Do I owe it to him to remain friends because he confided in me about his depression?

I'm wondering whether just pulling away (being busy when he wants to meet) is kinder than telling him the reasons. What is your advice?

You also seem to have never placed any boundaries around your relationship with him. You took his mentioning the possibility of depression and suicide as a cry for help, and you did your best to help him through a dark time in his life. But this is an extremely heavy burden for a friend to carry.

Because of the combination of Bruce's manipulations and your challenges creating boundaries, I suggest a slow backing away. The next time he wants to get together, be busy.

If he confronts or pushes you, congratulate him on creating a healthier and happier life. Encourage him to continue along that path. You might do some work on your own to learn new ways to create and maintain healthy boundaries.

Dear Amy: I have a common question, but now that it has come up in my own household, it feels unique to our family.

Before having children, my wife and I agreed that I would be the stay-at-home parent, and she would continue with her career.

Now we have two young children. My wife's career has also intensified. She works hard and finds her career fulfilling.

The issue is about what happens when she gets home. She's great with the kids, but has stated that basically all of the work related to the children and our home should fall onto me.

The way I see it, her idea is that she should work 50 hours a week at her career, and I should work 168 hours a week at everything else. What is the right balance?

Amy says: In my opinion, the most balanced arrangement is that your job is to 100% maintain hearth and children during the hours when your wife is working outside the home. When she comes home, your workload there should decrease to 50%, and hers should increase to 50%.