Ask Amy: Wronged wife judges herself

Dear Amy: I recently found out that my husband of 15 years has been cheating off and on for five years. He just ended a five-month relationship with a woman he met at a bar.

I unearthed this situation when I discovered a text message from her. He wined and dined her, slept with her during his lunch break, used work excuses to spend the night in hotels with her and even took her on vacation while he was at a bachelor party in Mexico.

In total, he claims he has kissed two women, visited a prostitute, and had this most recent relationship.

Since coming clean, he has quit drinking, has been attending AA meetings and has been seeing a psychologist. He promises he has changed.

He has been a decent dad, and our kids adore him. Plus, I work in social work and see the effects of divorce on children. So I am tempted to keep the status quo, but I also judge myself for staying with someone who has treated me this way.

I know this sounds insane, but I believe him when he says he won't cheat again and that he's committed to change. Yet, I can't imagine ever being intimate with him again.

Amy says: You don't mention several things that I believe you need to do: Get tested for STDs, engage in intensive marriage counseling with your husband and find professional support for yourself.

I'd caution that your husband is at risk for a relapse, in which case you will have to revisit your choice. "Trust but verify" should be your motto.

Dear Amy: I have caused a huge riff in our family. I was supposed to keep a secret for "Niece A" and unintentionally blurted it out at a family function.

This led to "Niece B" running out and buying a house before Niece A did, which upstaged Niece A, causing her to be very upset. Then I told Niece A that the house Niece B bought was crap (a foreclosure), not knowing that B's father was standing right behind me.

Now both families are upset with me.

I've apologized and tried to make amends with Niece A, but she is standoffish, and her parents are upset with me.

The two families have been jealous of each other for a long time. But I still feel this is all my fault. How do I fix this?

Amy says: The way to fix this is to learn to modulate your behavior and — especially when around family members — to behave as if your utterances might be broadcast and shared.

The way to build trust is to behave consistently, judiciously and discreetly. This is a tall order, and it takes practice.

You are not responsible for the long-running negative dynamic between these various family members. Given the tension between them, you provided a handy target by inserting yourself into their drama.

The only good news is that after they've figuratively "shot the messenger" (you), their shared animus toward you actually might bring them closer together. You might need to apologize again and individually to the people you've offended. After that, let things lie.